The Fear Dance, part II

I think this next part is one of the hardest for me...I so want to point the finger at the other person and yet that only makes things worse...I need to first focus on what steps I can take to calm things down. Which of us can "cast the first stone" anyway???!!! If I want to de-escalate the fight, I must respond with soft and gentle words..."A soft answer turns away anger". And often, when that other person sees that I am not attacking and accusing them, they can relax and know that I have their best interests at heart.

In the book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, author Stephen Covey points out, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." This is actually one of the seven habits because it IS so effective in relationships...it's what God asks me to do, esteem others more than myself...creating a safe environment for them so they can be at ease with me, keeping their heart open towards me. And the first step towards doing that is to take responsibility for my own actions, emotions, and responses.***

Breaking the Fear Dance--"ME"

What can I do to break the dance? Personal Responsibility

How can you say to your brother,

"Let me take the speck out of your eye,"

when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?

You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye,

then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Matthew 7:2-5

What to do when your Fear Buttons get pushed:

1. Create space-either internally or physically

---this is not the same as withdrawing, merely allows for the following steps

---Identify what you can control, surrender what you can't (i.e. the other person's reaction), and make a statement that you need space but you will be back

---create a phrase or cue that you both use to let each other know you need some space

---make a commitment to avoid discussions unless both of you can honestly say that your hearts are open

2. Identify your buttons

---what fears are being triggered by the discussion?

3. Take your emotions to the Lord

---the goal is to get your heart to open...it's impossible to pray/sing, etc. when your heart is closed

---pray that God will reveal the truth, ask what to do with the emotions

4. Manage your emotions

---think about what a healthy response would look like, take a few deep breaths, stand up

and stretch, listen to music, take a walk, talk to a friend, etc.

The Ultimate Goal:

Deal with YOU first (DeHulk-don't you love that word??!!), get your heart open and full of God's love, so you can then respond to the other person.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear,

because fear has to do with punishment.

The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

I John 4:18

***Just a note here...these principles are meant to be used within the "normal" bounds of relationships. If the relationship is abusive and you are in physical danger, then boundaries need to be put into place to remove yourself from danger and put you in a safe place away from that situation.

The Fear Dance, part I

One of the classes that I attended at our church last year was called 'Relationship Crossroads'. There were four sessions over the course of a month and I loved every single one! One in particular stood out to me, however, the class taught by Greg and Erin Smalley on The Fear Dance. The concept is similar to The Crazy Cycle in Love and Respect by Emerson Eggarichs, but with a slightly different perspective and maybe a bit more fleshed out? Anyway, I have typed up the notes for myself and I refer back to them often when I find myself spinning my wheels in relationships...okay, okay, mostly with Miguel...we've been there far too often, but praise be to God, He is working. And while we're applying these principles within our marriage, for the most part, they work with any relationship. So here goes, and all credit goes to the Smalleys...more information about relationships at www.smalleymarriage.com and www.smalleyonline.com.

Basically what they presented is that relationships get "stuck" in a "dance" as emotional "buttons" get pushed, producing a kneejerk reaction...and round and round it goes....

Examples of Emotional Buttons: the fear of feeling...rejected, abandoned, disconnected, like a failure, helpless, controlled, inadequate, invalidated, unloved, don't measure up, devalued, worthless, not good enough, judged, unimportant, etc.

Examples of Reactions: defensiveness, withdraw, stonewall, escalate, emotionally shut down, pacify, demand, belittle, earn-it mode, arrogance, blame, innocent victim, control, dishonesty, withhold, provoke, isolate, exaggerate, invalidate, independence, clinginess, care-take, act-out, fix-it mode, affiar, complain, passive-aggressive behavior, distress-maintaining thoughts, tantrums, strike-out, manipulation, criticize, anger or rage, catastrophize, lecture, whine, nagative body language, humor, sarcasm, rationalize, indifference, yes...but, etc.

Every reaction will be either a fight or a flight.

The four most destructive reactions are:

1. Withdrawal-retreat or shut down
2. Escalation
3. Belittle
4. Negative Beliefs (agains the other person)
As these reactions are employed, the conflict is then driven not because of the issue, but because our buttons are being pushed.

Our natural first instinct is to "react" when our buttons are pushed instead of "respond". By reacting instead of responding, the things that we do to break the dance are, in reality, a waste of time.

Examples of reactions that promote The Fear Dance:

1. Determine who's right and who's wrong.
2. Pursue the truth: what really happened or focus on facts/details.
3. Determine who's to blame or who's fault it is.
4. Make the issue (i.e. money, kids, etc.) the real issue and focus.
5. Focus on the other person's reactions.
6. Focus on solutions or how to fix the problem.
7. Mind reading (i.e. "I really know what you really think or how you feel!")

The Fear Dance is anti-relational because it sets us up as adversary/enemy and makes the relationship feel very unsafe. When we feel unsafe, our hearts close and we disconnect.

It's impossible for true intimacy

when hearts are closed to each other.