What We Have Been Up To

Well, this has been a rather interesting couple of weeks...a week ago Sunday, Miguel was really sick. We knew that he had been exposed to dengue fever on his recent trip to Veracruz, so we feared the worst! He began having all the classic symptoms of dengue, beginning with fever, body aches and a headache located behind his eyes, so we got a bunch of people praying and I began mentally preparing myself to face this disease (some kinds of dengue require hospitalization).

And then on Monday morning he woke up with no fever, no pain and no headache! He was very weak, but nothing like he should have been if the dengue were to have run its course...we don't really know what to think, either he had something entirely different or God chose to heal him! Either way, we're really glad he didn't end up with dengue!

Another reason that was good was that Micah and I were scheduled to help translate for a team of eye-doctors who were in the area on that Monday and Tuesday, so I needed Miguel to take care of the other three kids while we did that...we had fun translating for the team, although we had two pretty long days and we got very tired! I was very proud of Micah, he did a great job at his station.

On Tuesday, Miguel even felt well enough to hang out with us for a few hours...we got the other kids' eyes checked and Miguel had fun playing with the kids outside while they were waiting for their appointments.

Tuesday was also Micah's 12th birthday, which we didn't really celebrate this year...we have always said we wouldn't have a big party for the kids every year and this year it just wasn't fitting into our schedule very well! We did get him a nice Lego set and a huge flan, as well as some other gifts. I love this picture of Micah, I think he was about 2 or 3 days old...he was so cute!

On Wednesday, Miguel felt sick again, this time sick to his stomach and spent most of the day in bed again (rare for him!). I'm beginning to wonder if maybe he isn't developing a lactose intolerance, because he was suspiciously ill after eating that flan the night before! It's possible, since he's been having a lot of stomach issues lately...anyway, he had been invited to share at a Totonacan youth event and was supposed to go on Thursday.  We had been debating whether or not to go as a family or whether Miguel should go at all! In the end, Miguel went alone and I stayed home with the kids.

Miguel had a good time at the youth event, which was sort of like a short camp, so we were glad he did not have to cancel. He shared about evangelism and small groups with the youth and they seemed to enjoy his session. Miguel always connects really well with the youth and simply enjoys hanging out with them, so these are good opportunities for him to use his gifts. He was also able to talk to a couple of the pastors there about areas where there are still no churches among the Totonacan people and that information is valuable for our survey.

Group picture

 Miguel interviewing the two pastors

While Miguel was gone, I was really struggling...I was very tired from not sleeping well and the kids were also cranky and chose to squabble a lot. It was quite discouraging and hard to know what to do to make it better, so I ended up praying a lot! I'm not sure what goes on when Miguel is not here to give me this fear and anxiety at night, but I do know that prayer helps.

Then we ran out of water in our rooftop tank and that was annoying...we had plenty of water in the cistern under the garage floor, but the pump wasn't working and I was having to haul it out in buckets (the plumbers came and fixed it last night, woohoo!). I really hate to complain about the water situation because I am very aware of the fact that many people around the world have to carry water or have very little water in the first place! And it isn't really that I mind hauling water, it's mostly that this house is not set up for carrying water, so it's a real pain to have to work around.

At any rate, all that was unfortunate because by the time Miguel got home on Saturday, I was not in very good shape to give him a warm welcome home! He wanted to rest anyway, though, so he went on up to bed and I worked on a scrapbook album we are making for Miguel's parents...that gave us some time and space to kind of recoup from our respective experiences of the last few days. I also had a lot of laundry to do and of course, the water ran out again in the middle of the busy laundry day and it also left me with a lot of dishes from baking banana bread and pumpkin bread to send with Miguel on his next trip.

Yes, Miguel left again on Sunday! Actually, both he and Micah left to meet up with a team from our home church in Arkansas who are doing a medical brigade in the city of Guadalajara, which is about six hours west of here. The brother of the pastor of our Puebla church is planting a church there, so a team goes from our home church every November to do medical work there in that neighborhood.

Miguel and Micah playing games

with the kids in Guadalajara

And while I am very glad that Miguel and Micah could hang out with them, coming on the heels of Miguel's other trip it's been a bit of a challenge for me. This is a part of our ministry, however, and my contribution often is to stay at home while Miguel travels...and while sometimes I struggle to see that as being a worthwhile contribution, I know that it really is.

After the struggle I had last week, I decided to make it easier for myself and lower my expectations of what I would try to get done or what I felt I 'should' get done this week...I also really prayed about the fear/anxiety issue I was dealing with at night and God has given me a tremendous sense of peace, which has allowed me to sleep much better than I was able to last week! I did have to go out on Monday to pay the phone bill, do some shopping and pay the rent, but it was a good outing with the kids and I even took them out to eat breakfast as a special treat. We've done some school, but not a whole lot and have spent some time just hanging out together having fun.

Miguel and Micah will be home tomorrow and I'm sure they'll need to rest for a couple of days...then I am supposed to make a cake for a friend's birthday on Saturday. She asked me to make her the cake and after I agreed, she stipulated that it have a Garfield on it! I'm not that good at decorating, so I decided to put a Garfield cake topper on it...I couldn't find one however, so a stuffed Garfield will have to do! That might be more fun anyway, since she can have it as a toy afterwards.

On Sunday, our Area Leader is arriving and that will start three days of intense yearly meetings and member care sessions for us. We're looking forward to it, though, and I think it will be beneficial to us and our ministry.

After that, I hope we have a few days to just be still...

One Day at a Time

We're quickly approaching our ETD (Estimated Time for Departure)...well, what we're pretty sure is our ETD (it tends to change on a weekly basis, but that is pretty normal for missionary life, gotta be flexible!).  I'm tired, really really tired.  And I'm fighting a cold/upper respiratory thing that doesn't seem to want to let go.  If I let myself dwell on my weaknesses, though, sometimes I think that I'm probably not going to make it...but I am pretty sure that I will.  Because I am learning more how to live one day at a time.  Yes, I have my moments...when I'd rather just curl up in bed and check out for the day, but mostly I'm good. 

When I'm tempted to lift up my eyes and get overwhelmed at the heights we have yet to climb before we can settle down on the other side, I remember to focus on the next step...just what I need to get done today.  I am remembering to keep up my strength just for today...to take care of myself today so that I can begin tomorrow with fresh strength. God gives me enough strength to get through the next thing.  Besides, I want to live in the present, be here through each day and enjoy the blessings and joys that God gives me in each moment.  I don't want to miss a thing! 

Sometimes I look back where we've come and I stand there amazed at everything that we've accomplished in the last few months...it is truly amazing!  We have negotiated through the complexities of an agency transfer and trust me, it's complicated!  We have nearly doubled our support level in the last few months and we're rejoicing over the fact that we only lack $215 of monthly support to get to the level we need to be at to be able to go (yes it is a 'minimum' and yes it would be great to get more, but it won't hold us back from going!).  We've made two trips to Florida in order to complete the orientations required by Pioneers and God more than provided the funds needed to cover the costs for those trips.  In fact, we have enough in our account to cover upcoming expenses such as our travel costs to Mexico and the costs of an upcoming Pioneers conference that we'll be attending in August.  We'll have a lot of initial expenses for setting up in Mexico, too, so it's good to see God providing for that as well. 

I could really go on and on...God has worked mightily through us and for us and we've been very blessed as we've traveled this path. 

Recently someone asked me if there is anything I fear about the future...I had to think about that one!  I think if I had to put words to one of my fears (and yes, it is fears, plural), one of them would involve a sense of inadequacy about this ministry we're joining. Tribal church-planting ministry is difficult and complicated...the more we learn about things like Church Planting Movements and Teamwork and Cross-Cultural Relationships and other missionary stuff like that, the more complex it seems to become!  So when I'm tempted to feel overwhelmed and like I'm not up for this challenge, God reminds me that the 'success' of this ministry doesn't depend on me and my abilities anyway.  That's really good, because I'm pretty sure I would fail at that one...God is just calling me to go and be what He asks me to be.  What that will look like I'm not exactly sure, but I suspect a lot of it will look like being a wife and mother and friend. 

So what's next?  Well, this weekend we're having an Open House Goodbye Party for our kids...a time when their friends can drop in and say goodbye before we leave.  So I'm deep in planning mode for that party.  And then on Sunday night, we'll be speaking at a church in Oklahoma, thanks to a referral from my Mom.  Next week we need to focus on pulling together a lot of documents, etc. to send in to Pioneers to have in our file.  And we'll be working on moving out of our house here at the Village and will probably be taking off for Arizona around the 22nd of July.  We're leaving a few days early for the conference to visit friends along the way.  I'm hoping to spend the last couple of nights before we leave at my Mom's house so we can have a more proper goodbye and celebrate Jkaile's 4th birthday with them before we leave. 

After the conference in Arizona, we'll set our sights on traveling south to Puebla, Lord willing.  I say Lord willing because plans might change for some reason, they have a tendency to do that (and yes, it does drive me nuts sometimes).

I have mixed emotions about leaving...excitement for what's coming up on the horizon and yet all those goodbyes are hard to face.  I guess the best strategy for facing the future is to take it one day at a time...savor each moment at a time...feel the emotions, the sadness and the joy and let God fill in the spaces. 

Growing Up

I've been doing a lot of growing up lately.  I know, I know...I look like a grown up woman on the outside, but so often I still feel like a little child sometimes.  I get into certain situations and all of a sudden, I'm back into that 'one-down/one-up' relationship with other adults that characterizes the relationships that children under adult authority have.

We were all born as a little person in a big person's world and our job as children is to become a big person over time.  This happens for some people, but not for all of us, apparently.  Becoming a big person, an adult, means that the child moves out of the 'one-down/one-up' relationship role into a peer relationship to other adults.  Becoming an adult is assuming the authority position of life, which is an important part of living out of the image of God. 

This topic in particular really touches my heart deeply because I really relate to this...for some reason it is really hard for me to see myself as a grown up in this world...particularly in the mission community.  This probably has something to do with growing up as an MK and then returning to missions, who knows.  Maybe it's kind of like even though we're grown-up people with children of our own, how we still sometimes tend to fall back into our former childhood roles the minute we step through our parents' doors? 

Anyway, I have struggled to feel like a grown-up in many of my relationships, particularly in this area of people-pleasing...I know this is a common struggle because I hear people around me who struggle with this, too.  It's one thing to say that we should be 'God-pleasers' and stop being 'man-pleasers', but how, exactly, do I DO that?  I have tried to break this cycle, but it's hard and so often I feel the guilt about making this or that decision creep back into my mind, even after I resolutely decided that I wasn't going to let what other people think affect me.  I end up thinking more about what other people are going to think than about what God thinks.   

And this has held me back...it has held me back from growing up mentally and emotionally...it has held me back from finding out what it means to truly live in grace and offer that same grace back to others...it has held me back from developing and owning my own thoughts, feelings, opinions...it has held me back from sensing God's will in my life because I was more 'in tune' with others' opinions of me than I was to hearing His voice.  And that is a shame because I should have 'grown up' a long time ago!

But it's never too late to start, so here I go...I'm growing up and it feels good.  A little, no a lot, scary, but it does feel good.  I will admit to a certain trepidation, knowing that at some point there will be consequences of other people disagreeing with me and there might be unkind words, or worse...but I don't want to risk losing out on something really awesome in my relationship with God by letting my fear of what others think control me.

People-pleasing really does keep me from seeing what is truth from God, "How can you believe if you accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only God?" (John 5:44).  I don't want my tendency towards people-pleasing to cloud my relationship with my God...I want His messages to come through loud and clear!

Listen to this verse in John 12:42-43..."Many even of the rulers believed in Him, but because of the Pharisees they were not confessing Him, lest they should be put out of the synagogue; for they loved the approval of men rather than the approval of God."  These rulers believed in Jesus but were too afraid to step out in faith, trusting that God could provide for them even if they were put out of the synagogue...they missed out big time because they loved the approval of men more than that approval of God.  Ouch.  I don't want to be like that.  When I stand before the throne of God after my last breath of earthly life, I want to hear for myself that I have met with the approval from God...at that moment, I think that whatever disapproval I might suffer here on earth at the hands of those who don't approve of me and how I live out God's calling on my life will be as nothing.  I'm deciding right now that it will be worth it.


So how do I get there?  Well, for me I am learning that it has to do with understanding what it means to do the authoritative work of adulthood*...and this means that I can't be always out to get the approval of other adults.  That's what children do and children can't do an adult's job.  So, seeking and finding approval from God and not trying to please others is an important aspect of growing into adulthood.

Adults make decisions, have opinions, establish values that are not subject to approval or disapproval from parents or parental figures, and recognize that they are accountable for the consequences of the things that they think, feel and do*.  Basically, it means that it is a process of gaining authority over my life...to know what I believe, think through things for myself, made decisions, that I don't depend on the approval of others for survival and that I have expertise in one or more areas.  Those who spend time around me will then get a sense from me that I am authoritative...that I have become an adult.  And once I have become an adult, I can submit to the authority of God by choice, not out of any sense of duty or because 'that's what you do to be spiritual'.

This doesn't mean that I don't respect the offices of authority that are in the church, but it means that I don't view leaders as somehow being 'above me'...we are all equal adults in this family of God; all equal brothers and sisters under the fatherhood of God.  Because I am an adult, however, and I have taken ownership of my life, I can freely give up my rights and serve others in submission because submitting to my equal brothers or sisters in their God-given offices is actually submitting to God and not to men.

Mark 12:14 says..."Teacher, we know you are a man of integrity.  You aren't swayed by men, because you pay no attention to who they are; but you teach the way of God in accordance with the truth."  Jesus did not fear men and neither did he need their approval as parent figures...so Jesus was free to speak the truth to others and then let them worry about whether they liked it or not.  

I think I want to be like Jesus...a woman of integrity who teaches the way of God in accordance with the truth.  I can think of no higher calling. 

*Some thoughts and quotes used from Changes that Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud...

For the Love of Jacob

I'm kinda glad that we're moving through our Beth Moore study (Patriarchs) so slowly...it's given me ample time to think about the lessons God is teaching me. Beth always packs so much into each study that I hate to be rushed, feeling as if I'm missing out on things.

I've been thinking a lot about one particular video session in the Patriarchs study; Session Six, titled For the Love of Jacob. This session was about Jacob's face-to-face encounter with God as he waited to face his brother, Esau, the next day. Beth says "when we dread facing something or someone, what we need most is to honestly face God."

Beth points out that included in Jacob's face-to-face encounter were:

1. An honest appraisal-we are who we really are when we are alone!
2. An honest fight-God taught Jacob how to face up and fight honestly...remember Jacob's tendency toward deceit and manipulation? God's goal in inviting or allowing us to fight/wrestle Him is to make us overcomers. "Even when God appears to be against us, He is for us."
3. An honest blessing-Jacob had deceived his earthly father to receive his earthly blessing; now he received an honest blessing from his heavenly father.
4. An honest name-the name "Jacob" meant 'deceiver' and 'cheater', but God replaced that name with "Israel". "When we struggle through the crisis with God all the way to the blessing, we are gloriously redefined." Rev. 2:17 "...To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it."

There were so many things in this video that jumped out at me and of course, Beth puts them all together so much better than I do...

• How much do I resist being alone? And how do I feel when I'm alone?
• Psalm 3:3 "But you are a shield around me, Oh Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head." When I am before my Lord, hanging my head in shame, he lifts up my head!
• Beth mentioned several strongholds that she struggles with: fear, shame, insecurity...I relate to that...
• What kind of a fighter am I? Did I grow up with "dirty" fighting in my family? Is it a pattern that needs to be broken?
• Having a stronghold of insecurity says "I've got to win this!" So it's "hurt-them-as-bad-as-we-can-as-soon-as-we-can" in order to win. That's fighting dirty.
• The true definition of a "win" is that at the end of the fight I am not all muddy from fighting dirty down on the ground.
• God wants to bless me. Sometimes He has to hurt me in order to get me to let Him bless me.
• "Sometimes in the dark of our night seasons, we don't know with whom we're struggling until the light begins to dawn."

I think I related so much to this teaching because on that particular day that we watched this video, I had had a time of wrestling with God. First alone, in the wee hours of the morning and then again as I talked through my struggle with a friend. I almost didn't even go to the study, but God be praised, I did.

An honest apraisal is that I am struggling with fear, an inability to trust God to take care of me no matter what decisions are made for my future. As Miguel and I sit down to discuss ministry plans and options, I can sometimes hardly even talk or pray about it, paralyzed with the fear of the unknown future. And that fear is not from God...God has not given me the spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind. II Tim. 1:7 Yes, maybe my fear is understandable given the circumstances, but not justified...and certainly not glorifying to God.

But I think the foundations of that stronghold of fear in my life crumbled quite a bit that day as I wrestled with God...coming face-to-face with Him in the quiet of the early morning...hearing His truth spoken to me through a friend. I still struggle with it, but it's not as overwhelming as it was before. There are even times of strong, unwavering faith in God that weren't there before...but when those doubts begin creeping back, I remind myself that the truth of the matter is that whatever the future holds for me, for our family, I can be confident that God will be there, He will give me grace...His desire is that I overcome and be "gloriously redefined" as I abandon myself to Him. And He WILL take care of me every step of the way.

On Fear

I always jump at the chance to do a Beth Moore study, so I was pleased to hear that some of the ladies here were going to do the Patriarchs study this year. We started late, so are just now starting on week two. Last Thursday, we watched the video for Session One and as usual, Beth speaks to me...or rather God speaks to me through Beth!

The title for week one is Leave Your Country, rather appropriate for missionary ladies, don't you think? The point that stuck out to me was on fear. As God speaks to Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joshua (and others), He tells them "do not fear" (Gen. 15:2, 26:24, 46:3, Joshua 1:9). Beth points out that "God does not tell people who are not afraid to NOT be afraid"! Point #2 in the video notes states: Those God uses greatly seem to greatly battle fear. Therefore, we may battle fear but we must not let it win.

Beth mentioned that she herself had a stronghold of fear and having been released from that stronghold. I relate to having a stronghold of fear. Just because I have committed to spending my life in full-time ministry doesn't mean that I have no fears about it...I fear death (either mine, Miguel's, or my children, or loved ones), suffering, hardship, conflict, sickness, other people's opinions, making a fool of myself...and on and on...so I wonder, do I have a stronghold of fear? I don't know, but I have sensed God working to free me from the grip of fear. I think, though, that I tend to view the presence of fear as evidence of a lack of trust and faith...it was very reassuring to know that experiencing fear is normal (I'm in good company there with the patriarchs!) and that what matters are the choices I make in the face of fear...do I allow myself to be paralyzed by my fears or step out in faith to believe God and have it be credited to me for righteousness? I pray that God will make my faith my testimony...that I believed God!

What to say?

As one of the new members of this field, I have been invited to share my testimony and jouney to Mexico at the ladies' meeting tonight (along with the other "new" ladies). The thought of sharing my testimony makes me nervous and has caused quite a bit of anxiety...what to say? It was encouraging to review a couple of other blogs and find out that I am not the only one who is faced with this "dilemma" of what to say...how transparent and open should I be? Public speaking is not my favorite thing to do in the first place since I feel very self-conscious when everyone's focus is on me (why my chosen profession is a teacher is a mystery! but somehow that's different...). And the last few years of my life haven't been very pretty...a lot of struggles in my walk with God, in my marriage and ministry, as a Mom...and while yes, circumstances were difficult, I don't think that all my choices were good ones as I struggled to deal with life. Instead of being open and honest about things, however, in the past I've tended to put on the mask of "All is fine" when all has NOT been fine underneath.

I think one of my biggest fears is rejection...what people will think of me. Will I sound immature, petty, self-centered, whiny if I share about my struggles? Another concern I have is in how much to share...not everyone needs to know all the "gory details" and I certainly don't want to cause any disrespect to my husband by oversharing. I also know that if I share anything more on the personal side, I will probably cry. I don't know why I am so embarrassed by tears in public, but I am (it's something that I'm working on...).

So anyway, I have been sorting through my feelings and fears...separating the legitimate from the rest. And it was neat that one of the topics at a devotional I attended this morning was rejection! The teacher was pointing out that rejection really isn't the main problem, rejection is merely the byproduct of each of us "playing God", setting standards, and then judging whether others have met those standards or not. It boils down to whether I'm living by other people's standards or God's. Where do I find my well-being? What a relief to know I don't have to accept the "rejection"...I don't have to "live" there! Rejection is fueled by fear and who uses that? Lies and Fear are tools from the Other Side to get us down...and besides, all the while I'm focusing on what other people may or may not think (which is really a self-focus), that is time lost from focusing on Christ. One time Miguel gave me some advice..."It's not all about you, Becky!" I don't think I appreciated that at the time, but he was so right. :)

Okay, you caught me rambling here...so, what to say? The question is not so much what do I have to say, but what does God want me to say? I like what He has to say in II Corinthians 1:3-5:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,

who comforts us in all our troubles,

so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort

we ourselves have received from God.

For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives,

so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

God HAS been a comfort to me and I'm so grateful for His compassion towards me! I have come to thank God for my struggles because without them, I wouldn't have come to know the depth of my need for Him every day. And if sharing some of what I've learned will encourage even just one lady tonight, then it will be worth it!