Your Heart

We love stories, especially Bible stories...and we love to share Bible truths through stories as we live and work with people who have more of a oral/story-telling background.  So we were pretty excited to discover this album that has recently been produced about Bible characters.  We quickly made an playlist on Youtube of these songs so that we can listen to them over and over again.  They have all touched our hearts, but we particularly like the song about King David.  I have noticed that more often than not, we will skip other songs to listen to Your Heart before moving on the other songs on the list.

Interestingly, we just finished telling David's story to the kids and in the telling, I think we learned just as much as the kids.  The Bible is neat in the way that it teaches truth on so many levels and reaches everyone who hears.

I've been thinking about the words of this song...particularly the words "When the world looks at me I pray all they see is that my heart looks like Your heart".

And isn't that what the walk is all about, a daily refining and maturing so that our heart begins to look more and more like the heart of Christ?  God said that David was a man after God's own heart, and while it is true that David's heart had a special relationship with God from his youth, he still had to face a refining process in his life just like the rest of us (see Psalm 51).

Refinement of the heart isn't a very easy or glamorous process...sometimes it can just be downright painful and messy.  At times it isn't easy to own my defects and then accept the what or the who that God uses in my life to refine and forge my heart into one that looks more like His.

I've been reading a book titled On Being a Missionary, written by Thomas Hale who spent many years as a missionary himself in the country of Nepal.  This book has really spoken to me...it's funny yet full of practical advice and has often taken me back to reflect on my mission experiences, both growing up as an MK and serving as an AMK (Adult Missionary Kid).  One paragraph really stuck out to me the other day...

"As someone has said, a missionary's pilgrimage doesn't end when he gets to the field; it simply gets bumpier.  That's when he discovers new weaknesses, new temptations, new sins.  These are at the root of most of the emotional struggle and pain we experience as new missionaries.  We learn much about ourselves when we arrive on the mission field.  Some of our flaws and weaknesses may never have been revealed before in the security of our home country.  But now they are.  Our defects are exposed.  Because of them we sustain wounds.  These, in a sense, can be considered battle wounds.  As these wounds are healed, the scars remain.  They will be signs that we've been fighting on the front lines.  They will be scars we can wear without shame."

Looking back on our missionary career, I can see how God has used many things in my life so far in order to bring my weaknesses to light...and all too often I'm tempted to feel some shame about some of the circumstances surrounding my times of refinement.  Perhaps attitudes on my part that weren't quite as godly as they should have been or words that should have remained unspoken.  It's easy to look back and see what I should have done and how I could have responded and much harder to simply trust God with who I was and what I did during those times.  Because it all boils down to trusting God in all things, doesn't it?

I do carry scars from past experiences and wounds that will become scars in time...I hadn't thought to view them as battle scars before, but I think he's right.  In other circumstances, I don't think some of those defects might have been brought to light.  Not that I become proud of these scars by any means, frankly it takes humility to become open and vulnerable enough to expose scars and to admit flaws and weaknesses; in short, it's hard to take off the mask and display anything less than perfection.  But through humility, I can accept the fact that the scars exist and choose to acknowledge the defects that remain in my heart and life, accepting from God's hand the ways (the whats and the whos) that He has chosen to bring out and work on my weaknesses.

Humility has and will allow me to come to the place of thanking God for those hurtful trials and conflicts because those were times of refinement and maturing that were necessary for making my heart look more more like His.  In the same way, humility will also allow me to respect the battle scars of friends, colleagues and coworkers and relating with compassion as God works to refine their hearts as well.

The cry of my heart today...When the world looks at me I pray all they see is that my heart looks like Your heart.

Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire

I recently picked up a copy of Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire somewhere and I'm about halfway through it now. I'm taking it slow, letting it soak in (I usually blaze through books, but there are some books that need to be savored slowly). This is an amazing story and has been very thought-provoking and challenging to me in several areas...neat how God brings things into our lives to bless, encourage, and move us to change.

If you aren't familiar with this book, it's written by Jim Cymbala, the pastor of the Brooklyn Tabernacle in New York City and is basically the story of how this church has grown over several decades to be the church it is today (or rather, in 1997 when this book was written; I think he's written at least two more books with similar titles since). Pastor Cymbala also shares his thoughts on current ministry trends and other subjects relating to ministry in the church. His experiences with the inner-city in Brooklyn resonate with me because I think it's quite similar to overseas or cross-cultural missionary work.

Early in the book, Jim Cymbala shared that during his first few months at the Brooklyn Tabernacle he was literally depressed by the ministry challenges and didn't necessarily want to even be the pastor there. One Sunday night as he was preaching, he broke down and embarrassingly couldn't even continue preaching. Instead, he called for the few people that were attending the service to come pray with him at the altar. He said that as they began to call upon the Lord, the Spirit of God came down on them and began stirring their hearts. So much so that one of the ushers even confessed to having stolen money out of the offering plate! Pastor Cymbala says it was their first spiritual breakthrough.

He continues..."That evening, when I was at my lowest, confounded by obstacles, bewildered by the darkness that surrounded us, unable even to continue preaching, I discovered an astonishing truth: God is attracted to weakness. He can't resist those who humbly and honestly admit how desperately they need him. Our weakness, in fact, makes room for his power.

In a parallel vein, people are not put off by honesty, either. I didn't have to keep up a ministerial front. I could just preach God's Word as best I knew and then call the congregation to prayer and worship. The Lord would take over from there.

How I treasure those early humblings. Those experiences showed me that I didn't need to play the preacher. Jesus called fishermen, not graduates of rabbinical schools. The main requirement was to be natural and sincere. His disciples had to depend totally upon the Lord and his power. In the same way, I had to stop trying to act ministerial--whatever that was. God could only use Jim Cymbala the way he is. What a breakthrough that was for me as I learned to trust in God to use my natural personality. God has always despised sham and pretense, especially in the pulpit. The minute I started trying to effect a posture or pose, God's Spirit would be grieved.

What I could do, however, was to get even more serious about studying. I began building a biblical library and giving many hours during the week to digging into God's Word. But another John Wesley or G. Campbell Morgan I would never be--that was obvious. I had to find my own style and stay open and dependent on God."

Good reminders for both Miguel and I as we continue to wonder what is our place in ministry, exactly? Our primary ministry is in the process of changing and we're not sure what the future holds. We've already discovered many weaknesses and we have moments of wondering how God can use us when we are so prone to failure in many areas of our lives! Good reminder for us to humbly and honestly admit how desperately we need Him. How desperately I need Him!

Later, Jim says he received a promise from God of blessing for the church if he and his wife would lead the people to consistently pray and call upon the Lord. As they have actively pursued calling on the name of the Lord as a church, God has fulfilled this promise (although he does emphasize that the 'success' of a church doesn't depend on "attendance, buildings and cash", but on whether "that church is proclaiming his (God's) Word to people he loves under the anointing and power of the Holy Spirit to produce results that only he can bring about.").

Jim quotes Charles Haddon Spurgeon in saying,

"The condition of the church may be very accurately
gauged by its prayer meetings.
So is the prayer meeting a grace-ometer,
and from it we may judge of the amount of
divine working among a people.
If God be near a church, it must pray.
And if he be not there, one of the first tokens
of his absence will be a slothfulness in prayer."

Jim notes that after Jesus drove the money-changers out of the temple, Jesus seemed to be saying that "The atmosphere of my Father's house is to be prayer. The aroma around my Father must be that of people opening their hearts in worship and supplication. This is not just a place to make a buck. This is a house for calling on the Lord."


The book continues..."The feature that is supposed to distinguish Christian churches, Christian people, and Christian gatherings is the aroma of prayer. It doesn't matter what your tradition or my tradition is. The house is not ours anyway; it is the Father's.

Does the Bible ever say anywhere from Genesis to Revelation, "My house shall be called a house of preaching?"

Does it ever say, "My house shall be called a house of music?"

Of course not.

The Bible does say, "My house shall be called a house of prayer for all nations." Preaching, music, the reading of the Word--these things are fine; I believe in and practice all of them. But they must never override prayer as the defining mark of God's dwelling. The honest truth is that I have seen God do more in people's lives during ten minutes of real prayer than in ten of my sermons."

I like a book that challenges me in my own spiritual walk with God. I like a book that challenges me to think about how I am living out God's truths...the passages in the book about prayer, especially, have been convicting because I don't think that I can truly say that I am a Woman of Prayer. Oh, I talk to God a lot, here and there, throughout the day or night. But I can't say that I spend a significant part of my day in prayer, or that I am faithful to pray for this or that request for long periods of time, or that I pray with passion and power. In fact, I think that most times, my underlying thought is that of 'what much difference can this one woman's prayer make?'. I know that I have a tendency to underestimate the power of my prayers...

For example, this last week we had to address some issues with both Micah and JD...and it ocurred to me that although I am not praying faithfully for my kids every day. On Sunday, Miguel's brother Ivan called from Venezuela in a very drunken state and I realized that I haven't prayed faithfully for my dear brother-in-law who struggles with addictions and alcoholism.

I long for God to use me. I long for Him to manifest His power in my life. I long to truly believe His promises and truly live out my life as if I DO believe. I think that I, too, could use a fresh wind and a fresh fire.

Living in Mystery

mys·tery

1 a religious truth that one can know only by revelation and cannot fully understand 2 something not understood or beyond understanding: enigma 3 profound, inexplicable, or secretive quality or character

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I do not want you to be ignorant of this mystery, brothers... Romans 11:25

And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ... Ephesians 1:9

...the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the saints. Colossians 1:26

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A book* I recently finished pointed out that the apostle Paul uses the word mystery about 21 times to refer to the hidden purposes of God...that is, that God doesn't always explain the 'whys' to some of life's problems. And that is a mystery to us!

Sometimes God clears up the mystery quickly, in a matter of hours or days...but then other times, mystery can last for years as we wonder what purposes God has for certain situations and/or problems in our lives.

"When walking in a fog the normal clues that orient us are gone. We look for some sign to show us the way, but none appear. Heaven seems silent. We search for meaning in life, but the fog hides it. We plead, "God, why don't you do something?" Our feelings tell us that God must be somewhere else or he doesn't care. The mind, grounded in the Scripture, fires back, "Not true." God has promised to never, not ever, leave us. And so the feelings and the mind thrash about, each submitting evidence for its position.

Sooner or later, often later, the fog slowly lifts. Things begin to make sense. Understanding replaces confusion. Confidence replaces doubt. Belonging replaces a sense of abandonment. Hope returns. God was there all along, working actively, not only on your behalf but in ways that enrich the many other servants he loves. The fog obscures his presence and his purposes, but when it finally clears, we realize that God has kept all his promises to us (see Josh. 21:45). And on those occasions when his people go to the grave with pieces of their past still shrouded in fog, he remains the loving, faithful God worthy of their trust even though the fog never lifted. While not desired, walking in mystery shouldn't be feared; God, though not visible or audible, walks by our side, and the walk is always worthwhile for the patient, faithful servant."

Duane Elmer in Cross-Cultural Servanthood-Serving the World in Christlike Humility, pg 185

It was so encouraging to me to read these words as I considered the mystery that Miguel and I are living with now in regards to our ministry. All we've ever wanted to do was work in tribal ministry in Venezuela...and yet eight months after we arrived in Venezuela back in 2005, the government there basically shut down tribal missions as we knew it and greatly limited tribal ministry opportunities for us. After an exhausting couple of years in limbo, many moves, and attempting to minister to the Yuana people from a near-by town, we returned to the U.S. for a family reunion and for the birth of our fourth child. Once stateside, I quickly realized that I was not in good shape to return to our ministry in Venezuela, or to any ministry, for that matter. I needed time to recuperate my strength, recover from the stress of our time in Venezuela and the depression that plagued me, and work on some weak areas of my life. Miguel and I also needed to work on our marriage, which had been severely strained during that time. God worked tremendously in our lives during that time and I'm ever so grateful for it.

After taking nearly a year and a half of combination medical leave/transition time, we arrived in Mexico to 'get back to work', although not in the ministry of our choice and not really knowing how long we would be here. We would love to return to work in Venezuela, when and if the political situation changes there, but so far that hasn't happened. As we begin our second year of ministry here in Mexico, we have had renewed discussions about ministry once again that haven't always gone as smoothly as we'd hoped. It's hard to live in mystery, not really knowing why we are here instead of there, how long we will be in mystery, and what the purpose is behind all that's happened in Venezuela. We grieve as we remember our Yuana brothers and sisters in Christ that we left behind, even though we knew them but a short time. We grieve the loss of what could have been an exciting, fulfilling ministry among the Yuana and it is so hard to understand why things happened the way they did. It's hard to understand why God would allow me to go through such a difficult time personally in the last few years...although at times I do catch glimpses the work God is doing as He strengthens me in His truth and love through the struggles.

I don't know when this mystery will be revealed or when the fog will lift...I long for the day when we know what our ministry will be and can finally move forward with a purpose and a plan. I think both Miguel and I long for things to make sense and for a true sense of belonging. In the meantime, however, it is reassuring to hear that walking in mystery is not something to be feared and that the walk with God at my side will be worthwhile as I remain His patient, faithful servant.

*Cross-Cultural Servanthood by Duane Elmer...I am also looking forward to reading the companion books of Cross-Cultural Conflict and Cross-Cultural Connections.

Dreams and Weakness

I had a really terrible dream last night, the kind that wakes you up in horror and cold sweat. I dreamed that we were at someone else's house and that I found that Jkaile had fallen headfirst into a hole filled with water and that he was already dead when I pulled him out. In my dream, I just screamed and screamed...and at that point, I'm very grateful that I woke up to the realization that it was only a dream. I had disturbing dreams night before last as well...where over and over I found myself in various stages of undress in front of groups of people. :( I hate those kinds of dreams because the feelings of deep shame and embarrassment tend to carry over and plague me throughout the day.

And that got me to wondering about my dreams, because this is certainly not the first time that I've had these kinds of dreams! In fact, it seems to happen more often than not. :( I'm not one to be thinking that every dream has an interpretation, etc., but I wonder dreams are one of the Enemy's tactics to attack me when he knows that I am vulnerable? I wonder if he uses exactly these kinds of dreams because he knows that they are the kind that provoke the most negative emotions in me? I really don't know, but I would be willing to take a bet that he uses whatever he can to get me down!

So this morning, I'm taking "stock" of myself...I'm still feeling the effects of what was probably a mild case of bronchitis that I had a couple of weeks ago, so physically am still not doing so hot. Last week was hard for Miguel and I, we continue to struggle with ministry decisions and the effects it has on our relationship. We are still new to Mexico and while I believe that it's been a relatively "easy" transition (as easy as it can be, anyhow), this has still be a huge adjustment for our family. And Miguel is gone for a week to a seminar, so I am alone here with the kids. It's a struggle for me to care for them and to get enough rest so that I can be pleasant and loving and the Mom they need me to be (I confess to failing in that particular area yesterday!). And as I've thought about the past few weeks, my time with God has certainly suffered as I struggle to get into a regular routine and adjust to our new schedule.

A verse has come to mind often in the past couple of days, so I finally looked it up today so I could memorize it again...

But he said to me,

"My grace is sufficient for you,

for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,

so that Christ's power may rest on me.

That is why, for Christ's sake,

I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships,

in persecutions, in difficulties.

For when I am weak,

then I am strong.

II Corinthians 12:8-10

I tend to just get really, really down on myself for my weaknesses and failures (self-contempt) and it's hard to think about delighting in them! But according to these verses, the more I recognize and admit my weaknesses, the more Christ's power can rest on me! Wow! What a comfort for me today! I so needed to hear that...