Open House Goodbye Party

This is the first time we've ever done this for our kids, but we think it is a great idea!  We hope it will help their transition go a little more smoothly if they are able to have some closure by saying goodbye.  So this is what I will be working on for the next couple of days.  There is lots to do and I'm not sure I'm up for this, but I do want to make it special for them.  

One Day at a Time

We're quickly approaching our ETD (Estimated Time for Departure)...well, what we're pretty sure is our ETD (it tends to change on a weekly basis, but that is pretty normal for missionary life, gotta be flexible!).  I'm tired, really really tired.  And I'm fighting a cold/upper respiratory thing that doesn't seem to want to let go.  If I let myself dwell on my weaknesses, though, sometimes I think that I'm probably not going to make it...but I am pretty sure that I will.  Because I am learning more how to live one day at a time.  Yes, I have my moments...when I'd rather just curl up in bed and check out for the day, but mostly I'm good. 

When I'm tempted to lift up my eyes and get overwhelmed at the heights we have yet to climb before we can settle down on the other side, I remember to focus on the next step...just what I need to get done today.  I am remembering to keep up my strength just for today...to take care of myself today so that I can begin tomorrow with fresh strength. God gives me enough strength to get through the next thing.  Besides, I want to live in the present, be here through each day and enjoy the blessings and joys that God gives me in each moment.  I don't want to miss a thing! 

Sometimes I look back where we've come and I stand there amazed at everything that we've accomplished in the last few months...it is truly amazing!  We have negotiated through the complexities of an agency transfer and trust me, it's complicated!  We have nearly doubled our support level in the last few months and we're rejoicing over the fact that we only lack $215 of monthly support to get to the level we need to be at to be able to go (yes it is a 'minimum' and yes it would be great to get more, but it won't hold us back from going!).  We've made two trips to Florida in order to complete the orientations required by Pioneers and God more than provided the funds needed to cover the costs for those trips.  In fact, we have enough in our account to cover upcoming expenses such as our travel costs to Mexico and the costs of an upcoming Pioneers conference that we'll be attending in August.  We'll have a lot of initial expenses for setting up in Mexico, too, so it's good to see God providing for that as well. 

I could really go on and on...God has worked mightily through us and for us and we've been very blessed as we've traveled this path. 

Recently someone asked me if there is anything I fear about the future...I had to think about that one!  I think if I had to put words to one of my fears (and yes, it is fears, plural), one of them would involve a sense of inadequacy about this ministry we're joining. Tribal church-planting ministry is difficult and complicated...the more we learn about things like Church Planting Movements and Teamwork and Cross-Cultural Relationships and other missionary stuff like that, the more complex it seems to become!  So when I'm tempted to feel overwhelmed and like I'm not up for this challenge, God reminds me that the 'success' of this ministry doesn't depend on me and my abilities anyway.  That's really good, because I'm pretty sure I would fail at that one...God is just calling me to go and be what He asks me to be.  What that will look like I'm not exactly sure, but I suspect a lot of it will look like being a wife and mother and friend. 

So what's next?  Well, this weekend we're having an Open House Goodbye Party for our kids...a time when their friends can drop in and say goodbye before we leave.  So I'm deep in planning mode for that party.  And then on Sunday night, we'll be speaking at a church in Oklahoma, thanks to a referral from my Mom.  Next week we need to focus on pulling together a lot of documents, etc. to send in to Pioneers to have in our file.  And we'll be working on moving out of our house here at the Village and will probably be taking off for Arizona around the 22nd of July.  We're leaving a few days early for the conference to visit friends along the way.  I'm hoping to spend the last couple of nights before we leave at my Mom's house so we can have a more proper goodbye and celebrate Jkaile's 4th birthday with them before we leave. 

After the conference in Arizona, we'll set our sights on traveling south to Puebla, Lord willing.  I say Lord willing because plans might change for some reason, they have a tendency to do that (and yes, it does drive me nuts sometimes).

I have mixed emotions about leaving...excitement for what's coming up on the horizon and yet all those goodbyes are hard to face.  I guess the best strategy for facing the future is to take it one day at a time...savor each moment at a time...feel the emotions, the sadness and the joy and let God fill in the spaces. 

The End or Maybe Just the Beginning...

This last week, I finished the Celebrate Recovery 12 step program that I started back in August...but now that I have reached the end I realize that it is just the beginning!  The end of a chapter in my life, but the beginning of a whole new one...the end of a time of fellowship with my step-sisters, but the beginning of new relationships as I follow God's call to "carry this message to others"...the end of learning about new principles, but the beginning of "practicing these principles in all my affairs."  This truly is the beginning of a life-long journey towards hope and healing for me, one that will never end this side of heaven...

Paul's words echo through my mind..."not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 3:12-14

During our last stepstudy session together, our group of 'step-sisters' shared a special time of celebration...bittersweet.  Rejoicing in our achievements and yet grieving the end of our 'group'...



We had some creative
ladies in our group!

Celebrate Recovery this last Friday night was another celebration as three different step-study groups 'graduated'.  I chose to share my story through a 'cardboard testimony'.  Others chose to have a quote on the big screen, but I thought I'd challenge my fear of being up front a little and do the 'risky' thing...of course, I didn't know they'd choose me to be the first in line or I might have chickened out!  lol 

They did give me cues as to when to lead out the group and when to go up, but then I had to focus on not tripping going up the steps, the count on the first side, the blank/serious look, the flip, not getting the second side upside-down, the count on the second side, the joyful look of healing, panning the board so all could see, moving off stage-right...you get the picture, pretty challenging for someone with anxiety issues! 

But I did it and I didn't trip or fall and I'm glad I chose the cardboard testimony because when I flipped that board and saw the looks of joyful celebration and hope it was all worth it.  It has all been worth it.  Thank you, Jesus! 



I could have added...grief, anger, control issues,
codependency, food issues, anxiety,
childhood sexual abuse...no wonder I felt hopeless!

God's love and grace have set me free...not
that I have 'arrived', by any means, but I have my
heart set on pilgrimage...Psalm 84:5-7.



Trust: Building Confidence in Relationships**

"The most important step in entering a new culture is to build trust.  Only when people trust us will they listen to what we have to say."  Marvin K. Mayers

"No task is more important in the first years of ministry in a new culture than the building of trusting relationships with the people."  Paul Hiebert

Definition:  Trust is the ability to build confidence in a relationship so that both parties believe the other will not intentionally hurt them but will act in their best interest. 

This chapter in the book explores how we can build trust with the people around us, particularly people who are different from us...in most cultures of the world, trust is like the glue that holds relationships together, the energy that promotes spirited cooperation.  Without trust, relationships do not grow or thrive. 

Ingredients of trust:

1. Trust takes time...trust comes in incremental steps over time.  Through a variety of experiences we develop more comfortable and confident relationship.  This dynamic comes into play as we learn the language of the local people, since learning their language is actually a signal of your desire to know them and to build relationships of trust. 
2. Building trust requires a certain amount of risk, mostly emotional...friendships grow while working through difficulties together and finding resolution...this includes things like clarifying misunderstandings, admitting wrong, apologizing and forgiving...as we deal with issues in a relationship, mutual confidence increases and soon both parties are more confident that the other will not intentionally hurt them. 
3. Trust must be built from the other person's perspective...it is easy to make the mistake of believing that what would build trust with you will also build trust with someone else.  It is important to always ask the question, "What will build trust from _________'s perspective?"  Without taking the other person's point of view into mind, it would be easy for you to become like the monkey who tried to serve the fish by taking it out of the water.  Trust must always be built from the other person's frame of reference.
4. Trust must be nurtured.  Strong confidence in a relationship actually is a portrayal of the Trinity; absolute trust exists between the three distinct persons of the Godhead...the Trinity is a model for marriage, family, church and other relationships...in order to keep trust strong, both parties must regularly ask, "What will build trust with this person (or this group)?" 

God and Trust

• He trusts us.  Trust finds its roots in creation...God created every human being and entrusted us with his own image (Genesis 1:27).  God has given us something that makes us completely and wonderfully distinct from the rest of creation...his image bestows such dignity that we are loved by him above all other parts of creation.  With God's image imprinted on our nature, we have been given the great privilege of choice...the exercise of will...and with this will our Creator allows us to love him with all of our heart, mind and soul, or to despise him and profane him...we are allowed the choice to do good or evil.  God also entrusted us with managing his world (Genesis 1:28-30). 
• God builds trust. 
• The miracles that God performed in the Old Testament...by these displays of power he showed Israel that he, the Lord God, was trustworthy for all aspects of their lives so that they would not place their trust in false gods.  God declared by word and by deed, "Trust me.  I am worthy of your complete, unwavering confidence regardless of your circumstances.  All other gods are untrustworthy...they will betray you, but I will never betray you." 
• The incarnation...God who not visible to the people of the Old Testament, was now made visible in the form of his Son Jesus, who was human (John 1:14, Phil. 2:7)...God built trust with us by sending his only Son to live among us.  And throughout his life, Jesus displayed his power and invited us to trust him with our lives and our eternity.
• Perhaps the greatest act of trust was Jesus giving his life for rebellious humankind...a righteous person giving up life for his enemies (Romans 5:7-8)....in his ascension, Christ entrusts us with his life and mission, in other words, to live out his life in the world...to be his light in the darkness, his mercy to the needy, his justice to the downtrodden, his voice declaring he is "the way and the truth and the life" (Jn 14:6)...in Jesus' own words, "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith (trust) in me will do what I have been doing" (Jn 14:12).
• God forgives our sins...when we repent of our sins and ask God's forgiveness, he promises to forgive us (1 Jn 1:9)...in our repentance, we communicate to God that we have broken trust with him and in his forgiveness, trust is renewed and the relationship is restored.  And as his servants, we are to follow this pattern; forgiving one another when trust has been broken in order to restore relationships.  Living in unforgiveness is to refuse to live like Christ. 
• The resurrection of Christ.  As the disciples faced the confusion of the present and an uncertain future, they found Jesus' words comforting as he says "Trust me all the way to the resurrection."
• Do not let your hearts be troubled.  Trust in God; trust also in me.  In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you.  I am going there to prepare a place for you.  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me. (Jn 14:1-3)

Building Trust Across Cultures

In cross-cultural situations, building trust is even more important but also more difficult for several reasons:

1. Trust is built differently in different cultures...most people don't really think about how they are building trust, it is done rather intuitively.  Some of the things we do in American culture will work in other cultures, such as smiling, phoning, emailing, spending time together and showing interest.  However, other things that build trust in one culture may actually undermine trust in another.  For example, let's say you are in another culture and you agree to meet up with someone at a certain place at a certain time to get to know them better (build trust), but they arrive 30 minutes late.  Lateness for a meeting, even an informal meeting of friends, usually undermines trust for Americans, but not necessarily for people from other cultures.  It might undermine trust for you if a person from another culture began to ask you how much you paid for your shoes, your house, your jewelry or other things...or an American male is pleased with the relationship being built with a man from the local culture, but one day this local friend takes his hand and holds it while walking down the street.  How can you find out what these kinds of things mean in the culture where you are living? 
2. Trust is culturally defined.  Some activities may build trust in both cultures, but it is important not to assume this.  In most cultures being late isn't disrespectful, it is a way of life and most people think nothing of being late...lateness should not be seen as a violation of trust.  In other cultures it is not necessarily wrong to openly discuss money and wealth, people from other cultures are naturally curious about the wealth in the West and want to know more about it.  Handholding, even among males, is in most cases a sign of good friendship, revealing a certain level of trust.  The natural inclination, however, is to interpret these kinds of things from our own cultural frame of reference, but it is vital that we remember that trust-building is culturally defined.  Learn how it is done in the culture you will be entering so that you can accurately interpret the signals that others are sending and so that you will be less likely to offend with your signals. 
3. Trust is fragile.  The author points out that in his younger years, he would not have put trust very high on his priority list, but that experience has changed this perspective.  He points out that he has learned that without trust friendships, families and organizations, including the church, sink into dysfunction.  "Trust is absolutely essential in everything we do...trust in marriage, between friends, at work, in public life...without trust we are doomed to chaos and confusion because nothing can work" (Richard Capen).  In this life, we must connect with each other in order to survive and yet our apparent inability to value cultural and ethnic diversity increases the complexity of building and maintaining trust...and yet God wants that very diversity not only to be respected, but used in such a way that together we work to glorify God and unify around the work of his kingdom..."Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.  There is one body and one Spirit--just as you were called to one hope when you were called--one Lord, one faith, on baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all" (Eph. 4:2).  Trust is fragile and it breaks easily...when immersed in cultural differences, we can break trust without even knowing it...therefore, we must have a strategy for repairing it: forgiveness. 

Forgiveness:  Repairing Broken Trust

Every relationship experiences times of broken trust...sometimes it's minor, such as not arriving on time for a meeting, but sometimes it's major, such as violating marriage vows.  When trust is broken, most people are willing to try to repair it, especially if the relationship is important.  Only one thing can restore broken trust: forgiveness--forgiveness asked for and forgiveness received.

Westerners usually offer and receive forgiveness in a direct manner through a verbal exchange...one party says, "I am sorry for what I did (or said); will you forgive me?" and the other party usually responds with, "I forgive you."  Assuming both parties are sincere, the relationship is then restored and is free to grow again.  Based on Matthew 18:15-17, many Westerners believe that the only way to resolved conflict is accomplished through direct confrontation, face-to-face interchange; that it's verbal, one person telling another what he or she has done wrong. 

The fact is, however, that in most parts of the world seeking forgiveness in the Western way only makes the situation worse because shame, honor and saving face are core values in other cultures and when violated, relationships usually break.  Forgiveness will repair the damage, but it must be contextually understood. 

How trust is built, violated and rebuilt in a given cultural context will vary. Therefore, you will need to discover for yourself what breaks trust and how trust is restored in your particular situation...you will need to learn this from the local people themselves. But, they won't tell you until they feel you are trustworthy! Trust becomes the foundation for deep sharing and mutual learning...out of this we discover how to best serve. In the next post in this series, I will share the author's thoughts on how to pursue such learning. 

Becky's note:  I will not list out the examples of restored trust and forgiveness offered that the author gives, but suffice it to say that the examples given are striking in their difference to the direct ways of conflict resolution that are taught here in the United States.  The lesson I have taken away from this chapter is how vitally important  it is to be intentional about discovering how broken trust is restored in the culture I serve and how the local culture 'do' conflict resolution...how willing I am to discover and use local methods of conflict resolution and trust-building will most likely be a major factor in determining how successful my relationships and ministry will be in another culture.  Not to mention my relationship with my Venezuelan husband! 

A Caution of Trust

Sometimes trust can be misplaced...we simply should not trust someone who is not trustworthy.  Sometimes trusting someone too much too soon is naive and trust should never replace good sense.

To read earlier posts in this series you can go here or here or here....

**Notes for this post taken from the book Cross-Cultural Servanthood: Serving the World in Christlike Humility by Duane Elmer. I highly recommend you get this book, by the way...it might change your life!

Beggars

These last few weeks have been very busy for us as we are in what we hope to be our last few weeks before leaving for Mexico once again...we are working to raise our support to the level it needs to be in order to leave for the field by the end of July.  We were hoping to go by the end of June, but have had to push that back a month; not really a bad thing, really, just a disappointment, but we're dealing with it.  :) 

So we've been visiting friends, family, supporters and potential supporters, casting our vision for ministry and sharing about our work.  We've either had guests in our home or been guests in somebody else's home just about every single day for about three weeks now...sometimes more than one somebody's home in one day!  On the days that we are home, we've had the challenge of catching up on all the housework we've neglected with all of our busyness...and I don't really want to talk about the pile of dishes over there in the sink.

As is normal with such a busy time, we aren't exactly operating at full capacity since we're getting tired and pulled in many different directions.  We've been handling it fairly well, for the most part, with only some minor issues and conflicts...encouraging for me since I haven't traditionally handled stress all that well in the past. 

So this last Wednesday night, we were driving to our supper appointment which was about 30 minutes away from our house.  About halfway there, Miguel noticed that we were about to run out of gas, so we stopped at a gas station close to our friends' house to fill up.  But when Miguel asked me to give him the cash from my wallet, I discovered that my wallet was not in my purse!  I had taken it out for some reason and hadn't remembered to put it back.

Miguel said, no problem, I'll just use the debit card and went to pull his wallet out of his back pocket.  He got a really funny look on his face, however, as he realized that he didn't have his wallet either!  He had taken a shower right before we'd left and his wallet apparently never made it back into his pocket. 

So there we were, no gas and no way to buy any and 30 minutes from home!  It was rather embarrassing to show up at a supporter's house, enjoy their hospitality, eat their food and then have to ask them for some gas money on top of that!  It was either that or spend the night with them, LOL!  We felt like beggars.  Fortunately, our friends saw the humor in the situation and we all had a good laugh about it...don't think Miguel will be able to live that one down very soon, though. 

Okay, gotta go clean up the house a bit...we've got company coming for supper!  I'm making arepas and fried plantains...hope they like Venezuelan food!

Going Through the Motions

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

Medical Junk

I absolutely hate to go to the doctor.  Period.  I avoid medical junk at all costs and I always dread anything that has to do with going to the doctor, dental work, etc.  Part of it probably had to do with the fact that my parents were required to take us all to the doctor and dentist every summer while we were in the dorm and I always had 4 or 5 cavities to take care of...ugh.  And then I remember that one doctor my Mom took me to in 8th grade who caustically informed me that I was obese. 

I've seen obese and in 8th grade I was NOT obese...a wee bit chubby, maybe, but not anything close to obese.  But that stuck with me and now I have quite a lot of anxiety about going to any doctor who is basically required to inform me that I am overweight...yeah, well, tell me something I don't know!  sigh.  I'm working on it, but it seems as if the best thing I can do right now for my physical health is to take care of my emotional health first.  I've already noticed a huge change in my attitudes toward food and I'm sure it will get even better once I can focus more clearly on that issue. 

Most people do not understand my attitudes about medical attention (or the lack thereof) and probably wonder about it, especially at times when they might think I actually really do need to go to the doctor...like now, when I've been feeling like I have something of a kidney infection for a few days now.  The question always comes from those who find out I've not been feeling well, "Have you gone to the doctor?" and they look puzzled when they find out I haven't and probably don't plan to, either!
And it's not just that I dislike going to the doctor, but I do believe that it is so much better for me to try to get over things on my own, if at all possible.  I took so much antibiotics when I was younger, I really do try to do everything possible to get well with more natural means first if I can.  I would be willing to take antibiotics for this infection if I have to, but taking antibiotics can also bring up issues all on its own, such as yeast infections, etc...so I really hope I don't have to resort to that. 

So anyway, we have all these medical requirements and forms to fill out now that we're joining Pioneers and it's kinda depressing.  Miguel and I need physicals and an HIV test and then the kids need some tests as well.  I've been thinking about my physical and about which doctor I will go see...is it better to have a male or a female doctor?  I think it depends...I'd almost prefer to go see a dr. of either gender as long as I didn't know them well and probably wouldn't ever see them again!  lol  It's kind of unnerving to ask a dr. friend to inspect you all over and then run into them at church or something...so that's been on my mind lately...

And the kids are way behind on their vaccines...I went through a time of real anxiety and stress about their physical health and the effects of vaccines on newborns, so I did not allow them to get many vaccines until they were a little older.  Which put them way behind and yes, we get a lot of flack about that now.  I still don't know exactly how I feel about vaccinations, but I do know that it relieved a lot of anxiety for me when I needed it to have made the decision not to vaccinate them as newborns.  But now that they are older, we do need to continue building on the vaccines that they have had. 

So this afternoon we informed the kids of their upcoming vaccination appointment (this Thursday morning, on Gracia's birthday, of all days!) and they were all whining and groaning about it until Miguel offered to pay them 2 bucks for each vaccination they get without fighting it.  Now they (well, the older three, that is...Jkaile is still rather oblivious and I'm sure he will not be cooperative with getting vaccines, big bucks or no!) are rather excited about the whole thing and are hoping to get a lot of shots!  That's a bit weird...especially since the last time they all four made quite the parade of crying, wailing children trooping back through the waiting room on the way out, much to the consternation of all the other kids waiting their turn...so we'll see how well this present enthusiasm for shots holds up when actually faced with the needles! 

And then Micah said, "Hey, and do we get to do the pee test, too!  Cuz that's awesome!  You get to pee into a little cup and then give it to the nurse.  And they never say thank-you!"  I wish I could get that excited about a urine test...

A Girl Named Dirty

They found her in the garbage dump on the edge of town and rescued her from the city of darkness.* The servants of the King cleaned her up, fed and clothed her and yet for all of the care she received, the girl named Dirty still seemed to prefer to live outside with the pigs. 

One night the girl named Dirty crept close to the Celebration fires, the place where the subjects of the King celebrated Kingdom living.  Dirty watched from a distance as ordinary people passed through the great ring of fire and were transformed into their real selves...princes, princesses, the Captain of the Guard, dukes and duchesses, lords and ladies of the King.  There was music and dancing and delicious food inside the Celebration fire and she couldn't imagine what it would be like to feel so happy. 

She longed to join them, but she was afraid.  The girl named Dirty was afraid of the fire...afraid it might hurt.  But she was mostly afraid that when she passed through the fire, she would be exactly who she was now, a girl named Dirty. 

She felt something touch her and she turned to see a old man beside her.  The hand on her shoulder felt warm and his eyes were kind as he asked her if she was joining the Celebration that night.  She shrank back from his touch as the fear rose up inside her again.  The old man invited her to go with him through the ring of fire, but Dirty refused.  She watched in amazement and wonder as the old man walked through the Celebration Fire and was welcomed by all as the King himself!  And then she felt shame, remembering that the King had invited her to go with him and she had refused...would he ever invite her back again? 

The girl named Dirty remembered the King's invitation however, and eventually found the courage to step through the cleansing circle of fire.  It did hurt a little but her love for the King impelled her and she emerged on the other side as a true Princess, daughter of the King...complete with radiant clothing and a delicate crown on her head.  And best of all, she was clean, both on the inside and the outside. 

Every time I read this story as a child, it would bring strong emotions and feelings to the surface...I soon avoided reading that story entirely in order to avoid the pain and that became a pattern in my life.  I would do just about anything to avoid the pain inside.  I knew how the girl named Dirty felt...I didn't like it that I felt like her story felt like my story and yet I had covered up the hurt so well I didn't really even know why that was. 

I just knew that I felt dirty, bad, unlovable and unwanted...I tried to cover it up with laughter and bounce and fun and masks, but in those moments of quiet solitude, the voices were there with their sinister tones, "...you are ugly...you are fat...you are bad....you are lazy....you want too much...you are too much...you are not enough...you are worthless...there is no hope...if your friends knew who you really were, they would never like you...you are shame...you are guilty and you will never be free of that..." 

The King invited and yet I was too afraid to trust, too afraid to believe...too afraid that nothing would change even if I did...too afraid of stepping into His Kingdom only to be revealed to be nothing more than a worthless, dirty reject in the midst of the children of the King.  And so I watched from a distance, the smell of smoke on my clothes, as it were, but never getting close enough to actually be warmed by the fire...putting my hope in eternity but having no hope for a fulfilling and joyful life here on this earth.  Able to trust God for eternal salvation, but not for earthly redemption.   Believing that God loved me enough to save my eternal soul, but that He probably didn't like me very much in the meantime...

And so the King allowed me to live, always inviting but never forcing, until I came to a desperate place of need...where the desire to be free became greater than the ability to hide the pain and I made a choice to trust...to believe.  It was as if I stepped into the fire...and while the fire was holy and cleansing and good, it was still fire and it still hurt.  But it was a good hurt and it was a healing hurt and I am very glad that the King never stopped inviting...and there He was on the other side, waiting for me to step into my beautiful robes and my lovely crown amidst the cheers of my fellow Kingdom-dwellers. 

Most days I may look the same as I always have...but if you notice that I walk a little taller, have a little more confidence and if you see that sparkle in my eye...it's because inside I know who I am...I believe...I'm a daughter of the King...

Every once in a while those old voices might come back for a second or two, but mostly they are drowned out by the shouts of Who I Am in Christ...

I AM ACCEPTED...

• I am God's Child (Jn. 1:12)
• I am Christ's Friend (Jn. 15:15)
• I have been justified (Rom. 5:1)
• I am united with the Lord, one spirit (I Cor. 6:17)
• I am bought with a price; I belong to God (I Cor. 6:19-20)
• I am a saint (Eph. 1:1)
• I have been adopted as God's child (Eph. 1:5)
• I have access to God through the Holy Spirit (Eph. 2:18)
• I have been redeemed and forgiven (Col. 1:14)
• I am complete in Christ (Col. 2:10)

I AM SECURE...

• I am free forever from condemnation (Rom. 8:1-2)
• I am assured all works together for good (Rom 8:28)
• I am free from any charge against me (Rom. 8:31-34)
• I cannot be separated from the love of God (Rom. 8:35-39)
• I am established, anointed, sealed by God (2 Cor. 1:21-22)
• I am hidden with Christ Jesus in God (Col. 3:3)
• I am confident that the good work God has begun in me will be perfected (Phil. 1:6)
• I am a citizen of heaven (Phil. 3:20)
• I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind (2 Tim. 1:7)
• I can find grace and mercy in time of need (Heb. 4:16)
• I am born of God; the evil one cannot touch me (1 Jn. 5:18)

I AM SIGNIFICANT...

• I am the salt and light of the earth (Matt. 5:13-14)
• I am a branch of the true vine; a channel of His life (Jn. 15:1, 5)
• I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit (Jn. 15:16)
• I am a personal witness of Christ's (Acts 1:8)
• I am God's temple (I Cor. 3:16)
• I am a minister of reconciliation for God (2 Cor. 5:17-21)
• I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realm (Eph. 2:6)
• I am God's workmanship (Eph. 2:10)
• I may approach God with freedom and confidence (Eph. 3:12)
• I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13)

*story used from Tales of the Kingdom by David and Karen Mains.

Mother's Day

This has been a wonderful Mother's Day...I have lazed around all day and have done absolutely nothing productive.  Miguel has pampered me from start to finish on this day and is even getting the kids in bed for me so that I can hang out with my computer...I'm sure I'll have to kick butt tomorrow to make up for all this inaction today. 

My Mother's Day flowers

I also was the proud recipient of a jar of olives, a pack of gum, breakfast and OJ in bed, a cookie from the baby shower they had next door yesterday (that Gracia ate for me), 100 kisses from Jkaile (he's really into kissing these days!), a toy compass from Chikfila, and an old red pen.  I am truly blessed! 

I thought a lot about my own Mom today...mostly because she is traveling these days.  She just spent 3 weeks on a consultant trip to Colombia and is now in Ecuador visiting my two sisters who work there.  I confess to being a wee bit jealous...who wouldn't want to enjoy the beautiful scenery plus spending time with family?!  I got to skype a little with her tonight...incredible what technology can do these days!



One of my all-time favorite pictures of my Mom is this one, that I think really represents her well.  That beautiful smile and a heart that has loved these precious people for several decades now...she had just given a life-saving injection to this little baby, a first in this tribe.  I have to say that I admire her dedication and commitment to God, because all she ever aspired to be was a wife and mother and yet she has become so much more than that! 

 

I'm kind of far away from my other mother as well, my mother-in-law Delia...but thanks to good telephone service, we were able to hear her voice, at least for a little while.  I am very thankful for her life and her dedication to serving God...especially how she brought Miguel up to be the godly man that he is!

Miguel's parents, Angel and Delia



Growing Up

I've been doing a lot of growing up lately.  I know, I know...I look like a grown up woman on the outside, but so often I still feel like a little child sometimes.  I get into certain situations and all of a sudden, I'm back into that 'one-down/one-up' relationship with other adults that characterizes the relationships that children under adult authority have.

We were all born as a little person in a big person's world and our job as children is to become a big person over time.  This happens for some people, but not for all of us, apparently.  Becoming a big person, an adult, means that the child moves out of the 'one-down/one-up' relationship role into a peer relationship to other adults.  Becoming an adult is assuming the authority position of life, which is an important part of living out of the image of God. 

This topic in particular really touches my heart deeply because I really relate to this...for some reason it is really hard for me to see myself as a grown up in this world...particularly in the mission community.  This probably has something to do with growing up as an MK and then returning to missions, who knows.  Maybe it's kind of like even though we're grown-up people with children of our own, how we still sometimes tend to fall back into our former childhood roles the minute we step through our parents' doors? 

Anyway, I have struggled to feel like a grown-up in many of my relationships, particularly in this area of people-pleasing...I know this is a common struggle because I hear people around me who struggle with this, too.  It's one thing to say that we should be 'God-pleasers' and stop being 'man-pleasers', but how, exactly, do I DO that?  I have tried to break this cycle, but it's hard and so often I feel the guilt about making this or that decision creep back into my mind, even after I resolutely decided that I wasn't going to let what other people think affect me.  I end up thinking more about what other people are going to think than about what God thinks.   

And this has held me back...it has held me back from growing up mentally and emotionally...it has held me back from finding out what it means to truly live in grace and offer that same grace back to others...it has held me back from developing and owning my own thoughts, feelings, opinions...it has held me back from sensing God's will in my life because I was more 'in tune' with others' opinions of me than I was to hearing His voice.  And that is a shame because I should have 'grown up' a long time ago!

But it's never too late to start, so here I go...I'm growing up and it feels good.  A little, no a lot, scary, but it does feel good.  I will admit to a certain trepidation, knowing that at some point there will be consequences of other people disagreeing with me and there might be unkind words, or worse...but I don't want to risk losing out on something really awesome in my relationship with God by letting my fear of what others think control me.

People-pleasing really does keep me from seeing what is truth from God, "How can you believe if you accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only God?" (John 5:44).  I don't want my tendency towards people-pleasing to cloud my relationship with my God...I want His messages to come through loud and clear!

Listen to this verse in John 12:42-43..."Many even of the rulers believed in Him, but because of the Pharisees they were not confessing Him, lest they should be put out of the synagogue; for they loved the approval of men rather than the approval of God."  These rulers believed in Jesus but were too afraid to step out in faith, trusting that God could provide for them even if they were put out of the synagogue...they missed out big time because they loved the approval of men more than that approval of God.  Ouch.  I don't want to be like that.  When I stand before the throne of God after my last breath of earthly life, I want to hear for myself that I have met with the approval from God...at that moment, I think that whatever disapproval I might suffer here on earth at the hands of those who don't approve of me and how I live out God's calling on my life will be as nothing.  I'm deciding right now that it will be worth it.


So how do I get there?  Well, for me I am learning that it has to do with understanding what it means to do the authoritative work of adulthood*...and this means that I can't be always out to get the approval of other adults.  That's what children do and children can't do an adult's job.  So, seeking and finding approval from God and not trying to please others is an important aspect of growing into adulthood.

Adults make decisions, have opinions, establish values that are not subject to approval or disapproval from parents or parental figures, and recognize that they are accountable for the consequences of the things that they think, feel and do*.  Basically, it means that it is a process of gaining authority over my life...to know what I believe, think through things for myself, made decisions, that I don't depend on the approval of others for survival and that I have expertise in one or more areas.  Those who spend time around me will then get a sense from me that I am authoritative...that I have become an adult.  And once I have become an adult, I can submit to the authority of God by choice, not out of any sense of duty or because 'that's what you do to be spiritual'.

This doesn't mean that I don't respect the offices of authority that are in the church, but it means that I don't view leaders as somehow being 'above me'...we are all equal adults in this family of God; all equal brothers and sisters under the fatherhood of God.  Because I am an adult, however, and I have taken ownership of my life, I can freely give up my rights and serve others in submission because submitting to my equal brothers or sisters in their God-given offices is actually submitting to God and not to men.

Mark 12:14 says..."Teacher, we know you are a man of integrity.  You aren't swayed by men, because you pay no attention to who they are; but you teach the way of God in accordance with the truth."  Jesus did not fear men and neither did he need their approval as parent figures...so Jesus was free to speak the truth to others and then let them worry about whether they liked it or not.  

I think I want to be like Jesus...a woman of integrity who teaches the way of God in accordance with the truth.  I can think of no higher calling. 

*Some thoughts and quotes used from Changes that Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud...