suffering

I think my idea of true suffering is BEING WITHOUT INTERNET ACCESS AT HOME!!!! No, seriously, that's not really true suffering, of course, but it doesn't feel very good either! :( I feel like I was really on a roll, here, staying on top of my writing and emails, Facebook, etc. and now look, I haven't written here for a couple of weeks. sigh. Oh well. It drives me crazy, though, because when I don't write, I tend to lay awake at night writing in my head, which is quite irritating seeing as how I need all the sleep I can get these days!!! So I decided to just start writing anyway and I'll post it when I can....

We tried to have a landline installed, but had some setbacks and then a runaround from the phone company (they orginally said that there WAS high-speed Internet access available and then at the last minute said, no, there is just dial-up and we don't want THAT!). I don't know what we'll do for phone and Internet, but for the moment, we're still just connecting with the wi-fi wherever we can.

Okay, well, so it's been a crazy couple of weeks! For one thing, getting moved and settled in to the new house...Miguel had one day to rest after getting back from Mexico and then we started packing, so he started off tired! Then the week after we moved, I started taking 3 classes a week offered at our church (just for the month of April). I didn't think it would be that heavy a load, but I didn't anticipate being so tired from the move and then getting sick in there! The classes have been phenomenal, though, and I'm very thankful that so far I haven't missed any. I think God has been sending me resources, books, classes, Godly people, etc. all into my life during this time to heal me, build me up, and prepare me for future ministry.

One of the classes that I'm taking is called Interrupted Expectations. It's about the adjustments (usually negative) that we experience in life and the losses that we experience as a result. Losses can be physical/material (loss of things or familiar surroundings), relational (death, divorce, separation, conflict), or even emotional (loss of identity, role at home or in our jobs). As I wrote out my "Life Loss Resumé" I discovered that there had been losses in my life that I have never really taken into account or grieved over. And not grieving losses has the potential for leaving one "stuck" emotionally, not able to grow, mature, heal, and move on.

I think one of the most impactful topics we discussed during this class so far has been that the loss of our identity is one of the major losses in life. And it's interesting, because as it turns out, that usually happens because we wrap our identity up in something that can change or be lost! (in other words, it's our own fault!) At one point in the class, the teacher had us turn to the person next to us and describe who we are WITHOUT mentioning our role at home (mother/wife) or our job (missionary). It was really HARD! I was left with "extroverted female child of God"!!! LOL But it was a very important moment for me as I realized how much I DO tend to base my identity in what I do and where I live instead of only in Christ!!!! What I do and where I live may change, but Christ is the same yesterday, today, and for eternity and is the ONLY solid foundation for who I am.

So then came the AHA! moment for me...perhaps one (THE?) reason that I have been so obsessed and anxious about our ministry decision is because my identity has been feeling "threatened" by the possibility of Miguel making a "wrong" decision?! (can you see the control issues there?!) I think I was able to take a step back and see that my identity in Christ will be the same no matter where we are ministering and no matter what we are doing. That was very freeing for me and seems to have been a major paradigm shift in my view of life. And it's funny, nothing has changed; I still don't know where God is leading us, but I have peace and can rest in the knowledge that He is working in our lives and that He will lead...it's such a wonderful feeling!