Muddling through

Here's a copy of an email I sent earlier (slightly edited)...it will catch you up on the latest...

Just a quick note because it's late and I haven't showered yet (can't actually remember when the last shower was?)...it's been one of those weekends! I think I really crashed after Miguel left on Saturday and it's NOT a good time to crash! I have been so tired, w/o energy, achy, have a light stomach flu, headache coming on...the LAST thing I've wanted to do is take care of four little ones who seem to be sucking the energy right out of me! :( Have really had to deal with the attitudes on my part, I am, after all, the adult here! I've had to plead for supernatural strength and patience!

But honestly, the kids have been exasperating at times...so slow to obey, easily distracted while doing their jobs, fooling around,whiny, etc. and patience is quite scarce on my part! I know that we're all a little out of whack with Miguel gone, but we also seem to be lacking quite a bit in the area of discipline, apparently we've gotten somewhat lax in the last few weeks? Not fun to work on by myself! Anyway, have had to apologize several times for "talking rough"...after one time today, Micah asked me, "Mommy, did you get a good sleep today?" :) Guess he's catching on...

It's true, I generally don't sleep well when Miguel is gone (I usually use ear plugs to tune out the noise, but can't while I'm alone in the house) and to top it off, each kid wants to take turns sleeping with me (Gracia didn't last long, as soon as she fell asleep, I put her back in her own bed due to Very Loud Snoring)...I think after each has their turn, I will have to put a stop to that since I need to get the best sleep I can every night. I have been able to arrange for a good nap each day and I can feel myself slowly regaining energy and joy. Today was a better day as I was able to take more control and had a plan for the day...Gracia spent the day with a friend, even down one kid helps! :) LOL!

The big thing today was a trip to Walmart (not quite like Walmart back home, but still oh so wonderful! We're from Walmart-land, what can I say?!). I used up the last few coffee beans this morning...in fact, there weren't even enough for 2 cups, so I scrounged around and found one little packet of coffee, like you get in a hotel? Not great (esp. since it was decaf!!!!), but it worked, so now I'm restocked on the basics (coffee beans, pull-ups, and milk!) and I shouldn't have to go shopping again until Miguel gets back. whew!

Tomorrow Micah and Gracia head back to school and that will help putus back into a regular structured schedule and I seem to handle that a bit better. Crud, I just realized that I'd forgotten to turn off the coffeepot after making coffee several hours ago...can you smell the charred remains of that pot? I think I'd better call it a day!

p.s. guess you kinda know how to pray for me this week, but also could you specifically pray about dreams? I wrote a post about it awhile back...it seems like when I get physically and emotionally 'down', I experience very bad or scary dreams. Last night I had another one and it was kind of terrifying...I will definitely read the Word before going to sleep, but would appreciate knowing that others are praying about it too. Gracias!

Pass the Pigs

One of the things we love to do as a family is play table/card games. A favorite with the kids right now is Pass the Pigs, a "dice" game where you roll two little rubber pigs instead of dice. Points are determined according to their landing position (razorback, trotter, snouter, leaning jowler, etc) and if they land on laying down on opposite sides, it is a "pig out" and you lose your turn and any points accumulated in that turn.

It is interesting to watch the kids play. Micah and Gracia are pretty cautious and tend to "keep" their points instead of risking another roll and a possible "pig out". Jojo, on the other hand, will never stop rolling and therefore usually does not accumulate any points throughout the whole game! Apparently he doesn't understand the idea that he is losing points, he's just happy to keep rolling and in his words, "get loth of pointh!" :)

I shot this video of him during a game the other night...I think he thought I was going to take a picture or something, but it turned out pretty hilarious! And then he gets all embarrassed at the end...he is so cute! I love it that he's part of our family. :)

Chocolate chip banana pancakes and early morning goodbyes

Chocolate chip banana pancakes for breakfast this morning! We're having a special favorite to console ourselves since Miguel left early this morning and will be gone for a week. As proud as we are for him as he travels to meet a group from our home church and minister in a small town up the mountains outside of Puebla...we miss him when he's gone! We have three more days of vacation before school starts, so I'm thinking of some fun stuff I can do with the kids before we get back to school on Tuesday.

Even if we don't get to go out, though, I would definitely like to spend some special time with the kids. I think both Miguel and I have been somewhat busy in the last couple of weeks and I've noticed that the kids seem to be running a bit low in their "love tanks". I was kind of wondering what was going on with them (whining, acting out, clinginess, etc), but last night I picked up my copy of the Love Languages for kids and it was good to be reminded that perhaps they need some love and special attention. :)

Jkaile loved the pancakes...especially the chocolate chips!

What MKs do for fun

This morning, some of the high school boys showed up at our house and asked if they could play in our yard. We were happy to oblige and I enjoyed watching the 'show' (yes, yes, I know, guns and shooting and war is kind of controversial...maybe they are future Marines?)! It kind of looks like fun, although I'll bet those little pellets can give a sting! Probably why they are in sweatshirts and sunglasses?

Living in the city like we do, there is probably not a whole lot for the kids to do...this is a whole different experience than I had! The boarding school I attended growing up was out in the country and we had lots of room to roam and play. Every day was a new adventure, climbing trees, riding horses, swimming in the creek, going to the river, eating mangos and guayabas...so much to do! When I was younger, we only had electricity from a generator from 6-10 p.m. in the evening (well, I guess they turned it on a few mornings a week so people could do laundry...oh yes, and a couple of hours on Sunday afternoon so we could watch Little House on the Prairie or other shows), so we didn't watch much t.v. or play video games--we spent most of our time outside. Watching these guys play today brought back memories of the games we used to play...capture the flag (in the dark spread across the whole property-terrifying for me when I was younger!), soccer, flag football, slaves (don't ask!), etc.

Our interests seem to come in seasons, for a time skateboards were the rage, then marbles, then match-box cars, then water-balloons (we would name them and tenderly care for them for weeks at time!), then bicycles, basketball, baseball, etc. I'm sure I drove my parents crazy begging for each new "thing". I never did get a bicycle, though, even though my little sister got one later...hmmm...

Love Languages

I think one of Miguel's love languages is Acts of Service. He is always doing things around the house to help me. Sometimes I find myself wishing that he would just sit and talk to me more over a cup of coffee...and ungrateful me forgets to appreciate the fact that my husband is doing housework! Apparently my love language is more in other areas, such as Quality Time. A friend and I were talking about it the other day and she reminded me that every time he sweeps the floor or washes the dishes, he's expressing his love...it's like he's giving me a hug. Apparently I have some sort of complex about receiving Acts of Service because I often feel a sense of guilt or shame when he is helping me out, as if he has to do it because I am not 'together' enough. I don't think that's the truth (and Miguel himself has never, ever communicated that!)...and I am wanting to focus more on appreciating my husband and his unique gifts and talents. So I'm going to brag on him just a little...

This is what he did while I was out walking this morning...

on top of taking care of the kids

AND getting the baby to poop in the potty chair! :)

Now that's impressive!

After that, he took Micah over to a friend's house to play and did some shopping.

He often goes shopping for me and I appreciate that, even though

I do like to go once in a while to get out and see what's available.

(In fact, since I don't get out much, sometimes it can be

downright exhilarating to go the grocery store and

look at carrots and potatoes--woohoo, big outing of the week! :) LOL!)

Okay, but back to Miguel, he came home with the things on my list

plus a few extras, like this big stalk of sugar cane!

Thank you, Miguel, for everything you do for me!

I love you!

Becky

The Fear Dance, part III

This is my favorite part! Working together on a team...I like to sit down, talk it out, work through things...Miguel not so much, so we're learning to meet in the middle. :)

Breaking the Fear Dance--"WE"

Teamwork--Power struggles are the single greatest ploy to cause trouble in a marriage. The problem is that power struggles involve becoming divided against your teammate (your spouse).

Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them, "Every kingdom

divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household

divided against itself will not stand".

Matthew 12:25

When on a team, you either win as a team or lose as a team. So as teammates, married partners either win or lose in any given situation. There is no such thing as a win/lose outcome in a marriage.

Adopt a "No Losers" Policy! Either both partners win or no one wins--it becomes completely unacceptable for either partner to walk away ever feeling as though they have lost. Both recognize that if either loses, the whole team loses. It still may happen...but it's not okay!

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility

consider others better than yourselves.

Each of you should look not only to your own interests,

but also to the interests of others.

Philippians 2:3-4

Seven Steps to a "No Losers" Policy

1. Establish a "No Losers" Policy...it relaxes everyone!

Approach making decisions as a team.

2. Take time to find/understand what the "win" is for each person.

This is the hardest step, but the majority of issues will be resolved right here.

Redefine "winning" to mean finding a solution that both feel good about (also works with children!)

3. Pause, pray, and seek God's will.

4. From a place of unity, brainstorm possible win/win solutions.

5. Select a course of action that both of you feel good about.

Many times a 'compromise' is actually a loss for someone.

6. Implement it.

7. Evaluate and rework if necessary.

If someone isn't feeling good about something, usually it's that they've uncovered something that bothers them...so, rework from step #2

Jellyfish

Okay, this template is called jellyfish, not sure why...but it's simple, white background, not a lot to distract from the posts. And it puts me back into the family photo! Woohoo! LOL

The Fear Dance, part II

I think this next part is one of the hardest for me...I so want to point the finger at the other person and yet that only makes things worse...I need to first focus on what steps I can take to calm things down. Which of us can "cast the first stone" anyway???!!! If I want to de-escalate the fight, I must respond with soft and gentle words..."A soft answer turns away anger". And often, when that other person sees that I am not attacking and accusing them, they can relax and know that I have their best interests at heart.

In the book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, author Stephen Covey points out, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." This is actually one of the seven habits because it IS so effective in relationships...it's what God asks me to do, esteem others more than myself...creating a safe environment for them so they can be at ease with me, keeping their heart open towards me. And the first step towards doing that is to take responsibility for my own actions, emotions, and responses.***

Breaking the Fear Dance--"ME"

What can I do to break the dance? Personal Responsibility

How can you say to your brother,

"Let me take the speck out of your eye,"

when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?

You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye,

then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Matthew 7:2-5

What to do when your Fear Buttons get pushed:

1. Create space-either internally or physically

---this is not the same as withdrawing, merely allows for the following steps

---Identify what you can control, surrender what you can't (i.e. the other person's reaction), and make a statement that you need space but you will be back

---create a phrase or cue that you both use to let each other know you need some space

---make a commitment to avoid discussions unless both of you can honestly say that your hearts are open

2. Identify your buttons

---what fears are being triggered by the discussion?

3. Take your emotions to the Lord

---the goal is to get your heart to open...it's impossible to pray/sing, etc. when your heart is closed

---pray that God will reveal the truth, ask what to do with the emotions

4. Manage your emotions

---think about what a healthy response would look like, take a few deep breaths, stand up

and stretch, listen to music, take a walk, talk to a friend, etc.

The Ultimate Goal:

Deal with YOU first (DeHulk-don't you love that word??!!), get your heart open and full of God's love, so you can then respond to the other person.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear,

because fear has to do with punishment.

The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

I John 4:18

***Just a note here...these principles are meant to be used within the "normal" bounds of relationships. If the relationship is abusive and you are in physical danger, then boundaries need to be put into place to remove yourself from danger and put you in a safe place away from that situation.

Dots

I am thinking about changing the look of my blog. I like the dots except that it seems to have a lot of space around the edges and puts the text kind of skinny down the middle. I also noticed that it cuts me out of the family picture! LOL! I find that kind of amusing seeing as I don't really like that picture of me anyway! I am not really all that picky about the pretties around the edges, my purpose is to write, but a change is nice every once in a while...

The Fear Dance, part I

One of the classes that I attended at our church last year was called 'Relationship Crossroads'. There were four sessions over the course of a month and I loved every single one! One in particular stood out to me, however, the class taught by Greg and Erin Smalley on The Fear Dance. The concept is similar to The Crazy Cycle in Love and Respect by Emerson Eggarichs, but with a slightly different perspective and maybe a bit more fleshed out? Anyway, I have typed up the notes for myself and I refer back to them often when I find myself spinning my wheels in relationships...okay, okay, mostly with Miguel...we've been there far too often, but praise be to God, He is working. And while we're applying these principles within our marriage, for the most part, they work with any relationship. So here goes, and all credit goes to the Smalleys...more information about relationships at www.smalleymarriage.com and www.smalleyonline.com.

Basically what they presented is that relationships get "stuck" in a "dance" as emotional "buttons" get pushed, producing a kneejerk reaction...and round and round it goes....

Examples of Emotional Buttons: the fear of feeling...rejected, abandoned, disconnected, like a failure, helpless, controlled, inadequate, invalidated, unloved, don't measure up, devalued, worthless, not good enough, judged, unimportant, etc.

Examples of Reactions: defensiveness, withdraw, stonewall, escalate, emotionally shut down, pacify, demand, belittle, earn-it mode, arrogance, blame, innocent victim, control, dishonesty, withhold, provoke, isolate, exaggerate, invalidate, independence, clinginess, care-take, act-out, fix-it mode, affiar, complain, passive-aggressive behavior, distress-maintaining thoughts, tantrums, strike-out, manipulation, criticize, anger or rage, catastrophize, lecture, whine, nagative body language, humor, sarcasm, rationalize, indifference, yes...but, etc.

Every reaction will be either a fight or a flight.

The four most destructive reactions are:

1. Withdrawal-retreat or shut down
2. Escalation
3. Belittle
4. Negative Beliefs (agains the other person)
As these reactions are employed, the conflict is then driven not because of the issue, but because our buttons are being pushed.

Our natural first instinct is to "react" when our buttons are pushed instead of "respond". By reacting instead of responding, the things that we do to break the dance are, in reality, a waste of time.

Examples of reactions that promote The Fear Dance:

1. Determine who's right and who's wrong.
2. Pursue the truth: what really happened or focus on facts/details.
3. Determine who's to blame or who's fault it is.
4. Make the issue (i.e. money, kids, etc.) the real issue and focus.
5. Focus on the other person's reactions.
6. Focus on solutions or how to fix the problem.
7. Mind reading (i.e. "I really know what you really think or how you feel!")

The Fear Dance is anti-relational because it sets us up as adversary/enemy and makes the relationship feel very unsafe. When we feel unsafe, our hearts close and we disconnect.

It's impossible for true intimacy

when hearts are closed to each other.