Roller Coaster Ride

I fell out of our van the other day, literally.  Miguel had had the van in the shop for a couple of days and then I needed to drive it somewhere...I stopped, opened the door and then I just stepped out into thin air!  I felt pretty stupid...I even turned and looked at the van wondering why in the world I had expected a step to be where there obviously was not one?!  I just chalked it up to having gotten used to driving the Explorer and went about my day.

A few hours later, we were at home and Miguel says, "Oh, I forgot to tell you...I took the running boards off the van when it was in the shop." It took me a couple of minutes to process that comment and then I was like, "It was YOU!!!!!" It made me feel a little better to notice that Miguel himself fell out of the van the next day, lol. Revenge is sweet...

You can see the running boards in this picture that now

aren't there...apparently, I have always used

that lower step to get out of the van...

So yeah, having lots of fun these days getting ready for our next missionary adventure!  We are happy to say that we have decided on a mission agency and are applying to a mission agency called Pioneers.  Of all of the agencies that we considered and explored, we feel that it is the best fit for our new ministry in Puebla.  Pioneers has already agreed to take on our mission project, which was yet another open door for us.  We were able to turn in all of our application paperwork on time to register to attend an orientation with Pioneers on April 3-8.  They will review our application, meet with us and then we should know by the end of that week whether our membership application will be approved or not.  At this point, there have not been any red flags regarding our application, but it is always good not to assume things...we have our tickets bought and places for our kids to stay, so that's all taken care of.

Once we had that orientation scheduled, we did a big planning session to pin down some dates and figure out our next steps and discovered out that what we had kind of thought was 'out there' in the future was now upon us!  For one thing, we found out that we will need to move out of our house here at the Village before we go to the Pioneers orientation the first week of April...that sort of changed a few things, but it is all working out for the best.  We have a good place to stay after we move out of the Village, so that's a blessing. 

It took me about half an hour to process that paradigm shift and then I was off and running with the new plan...we have shelved homeschooling for the time being and are focusing on ministry priorities for now, such as email lists and supporter communication and the packing/sorting/storing of the ever-present stuff.  I wish we didn't have to have all that stuff, but we do and it has to be sorted, sigh.  We are basically planning only to take what will fit in whatever vehicle we drive to Mexico in (which may or may not be our van), so that really limits what we can take...we may also be able to either ship or have someone else take some things. 

So lots to do and lots to think about!  My head has been spinning for a couple of weeks, but in a good way...we're so excited about this new ministry.  Today we met with yet another potential supporter who have committed to being monthly financial partners as well as prayer supporters and we have just been so blessed to have people like that on our team.  Times like that, Miguel and I just pause and gift thanks to God for His blessings.

I kinda feel like I'm on a roller coaster, hair blowing back in the wind, heart pounding, enjoying the ride! 

Life, Interrupted

I heard a saying when I was in Bible School that went something like this..."a missionary has be ready to preach, pray or die at a moment's notice."  In the choir, we added "sing" to that list when we were asked to sing on the spot more than one time.  During the 15 moves our family made over the period of 2 1/2 years in 2006 to 2008, I added "move" to that growing list of things missionaries need to flexible about. 

I had a plan for this summer and it didn't include moving!  I mean, we always knew it was a possibility that the Bible School would decide to move a staff family in to this apartment to take over the dorm responsibilities.  In fact, we are very much in favor of that plan since we see the need for onsight supervision and discipleship of the students that live here.  Since we do not form part of the Bible school staff, we have been limited as to our involvement with the students in those areas. 

Problem was, up until a couple of weeks ago, there didn't seem to be any possibility of change, so the announcement that we needed to give up our apartment by the end of July came as rather a surprise.  We had hoped for a few months' notice to give us time to find another house and make ministry decisions. 

It is what it is, however, and so we're accepting this as part of God's plan for us (since we know that this didn't take Him by surprise at all).  In fact, we're thinking that maybe this is actually a push from God to get us moving in a different direcion altogether! 

To give a little background on our situation, when we arrived in Mexico nearly two years ago, it was not necessarily a commitment to work here long-term.  In fact, we'd made it clear to leadership that we were thinking to only stay for two to four years while we worked on three areas of our lives: 1) family stability (the move to Mexico being the15th move for us in 2 1/2 years), 2) unity in our marriage and 3) recovery for me. 

We left Venezuela in June of 2007 with our family in pretty bad shape.  The instability we'd had in our family life and ministry, the political situation in the country, and my pregnancy (I had been greatly affected by heat exhaustion) all combined to create an unhealthy family environment.  The kids were actually exhibiting physical symptoms of anxiety and stress (Micah had a chronic choking feeling for months, Micah and Gracia were underweight and all three of them were highly insecure).  Add to that disunity in our marriage and my struggles with emotional health and the pit we were in just got deeper and deeper.  Already prone to and experiencing depression and exhaustion, I was all set up for the post-partem depression I went through after Jkaile was born in July of that year. 

Looking back, I can see God's hand in moving us to a place where we could find healing for our family...first at our home church in Arkansas where we received the love and support of friends and family, counseling/medical attention and spiritual growth and secondly here to Mexico where we've had the blessing of living in the same house for nearly two years, the support of the mission community and the relationships we've built in a local Mexican church that has become like family for us. 

Therefore, as we began looking around for another house to rent, Miguel began realizing that maybe our time here in Mexico is done.  As we re-evaluated the goals we'd had of family stability, unity in our marriage, and recovery for me, we began to realize that while we haven't "arrived" (will never fully "arrive"?) in any of these three areas, we have certainly made significant progress in all three.  Enough so that we are beginning to consider wider options for our family, even a transition to serving in another country. 

You see, Miguel's deepest desire and longing is to work in a tribal church planting ministry...in the jungle.   We tried to do that in Venezuela, but at that time in wasn't possible because of the situation in the country with the government ordering most missionaries to leave the tribal works and our family's state of being during that time.  Tribal work has continued in Venezuela, but in a very limited form while restructuring of mission work has been taking place.  It is obvious that Venezuelan churches have the responsibility of sending Venezuelan missionaries to take over the task of tribal church planting in areas where it is difficult or even impossible for foreign missionaries to serve. 

After I found myself in such a deep pit three years ago (emotionally, spiritually and physically), however, I knew that it was not going to be possible for me to return to Venezuela.  I had to make the very difficult decision to tell Miguel that I needed help (we all needed help!) and that for my health and the health of the family, we couldn't return to Venezuela as we'd planned.  This created tremendous tension between Miguel and me, and yet for one of the first times in my life, I took a step towards taking care of myself.  One of the main reasons I fell into that pit in the first place was that I didn't know how to take care of myself emotionally...I was raised in such a way as to feel that expressing my needs was somehow wrong or bad.  I think Miguel struggles with the same issues as well...therefore, we had not been able to take care of our family's needs either and we all suffered for it.  I had allowed bitterness and anger towards Miguel to build instead of seeking healthy ways of taking responsibility for my own problems and needs.  While it is true that Miguel struggled to know how to take care of me and the kids, I needed to take responsibility for taking care of myself and my needs so that I could become the wife and mother that my family needs me to be. 

During these last three years, I have come through my depression and am now seeing the end of that struggle.  I will probably live with a tendency towards depression for the rest of my life on this earth, but now I know better how to prevent falling into that trap and how to climb out if I do fall again.  I am learning how to take care of myself in every area of my life and am learning to live by God's grace and God's grace alone.  I am currently meeting with a friend for counseling on how to set up a structured family life so that no matter where we are or what situation we find ourselves in, we won't be so prone to the chaotic family life that has characterized our family so far. 

And Miguel and I?  Well, we're doing better than we ever have before...we are more open to each other than we ever have.  Unity no longer is a foreign concept to us; it is a reality that we are enjoying every day.  We are at the place where I have been able to let Miguel know that I will honor his ministry decisions even if it means returning to Venezuela and he has let me know that if I am not in agreement or at peace with that decision, then he will not pursue that option.  And let me tell you, I would not have thought that to be possible even just a few months ago...it's a beautiful gift that God has given us! 

God has also been doing an interesting work in my life in another area that involves culture and culture awareness...one day a book was dropped into my life that has had an incredible impact on me.  God used the message of this book on cross-cultural ministry and servanthood to convict and humble me.  I began to realize that many (or at least a lot) of the conflicts that Miguel and I have had in our relationship can be attributed to my insensitivity to his culture...it's too much to go into here, but suffice it to say that I had been communicating arrogance and superiority in certain areas of my life without even realizing it.  Not just to Miguel, but to my shame to other Latins as well.  I credit the newfound unity and openness in my marriage (and other relationships) to the changes that God is making in me with regards to my increasing awareness of the importance that culture plays in relationships.  As I've made obvious efforts to better understand Miguel and his culture, his trust in me has risen to new levels.  And praise God, that has drawn us closer together than we've ever been before.

So all that to say that we really don't know what will happen or where God will lead us in the next few weeks and months!  We haven't yet been able to meet with leadership and share about our thoughts and ideas since many are out of town during the summer break.  I honestly can't say whether we're packing for a move to another house here in town or packing to leave Mexico.  Miguel would really like to return to Venezuela and work towards joining a tribal church planting team there (something that would be easier for our family since the kids and I are all Venezuelan citizens along with Miguel), but we are open to wherever God might lead (as I've reminded Miguel, there's a lot of jungle out there!). 

To be honest with you, I'm not jumping up and down for joy at the thought of leaving Mexico...frankly, it would be more comfortable to stay.  Neither am I all too thrilled at the thought of returning to Venezuela...there would be many challenges for our family there and I have to admit to some serious concerns.  And yet what I am excited about is the adventure that God has waiting for us right around the corner.  As His plan unfolds for us, I know that it will be perfect.  I am throwing myself in God's hands and trusting Him to take care of me every step of the way.  My heart is ready to accept what God has planned for us, even if it means making some pretty big sacrifices on my part.  Not sacrificing things that shouldn't be sacrificed, obviously, but I'm talking about sacrificing things like selfish desires for comfort.  And I have seen God's hand preparing me to identify with Miguel's people and the challenges facing them during these difficult times, if that is what God is asking me to do.  If not, then I will be just as ready to identify with whatever culture we find ourselves in order to become true cross-cultural servants.  I consider it a great privelege to be allowed to serve God in this way.

So yeah, a lot going on with us these days...just reading this over again is such a testimony to me of God's love and faithfulness.  I do not feel worthy of His grace and yet that's just it, it is not ME, but CHRIST IN ME that is worthy.  Worthy is the Lamb that was slain.  Amen.

Okay, gotta go...Mexico is playing Argentina in an important World Cup soccer match and the game is about to start!

¡Viva México!  ¡Sí se puede!

Odds and Ends

1) Well, first up today is that I've been battling with a kidney infection for about what, a month now? Maybe not that long, just seems like it! The week after the Family Retreat, I noticed that I seemed to be extra tired and sure enough, that Wednesday I realized I had a kidney infection. It hit me pretty hard because most likely, I'd been dealing with it for a few days and didn't realize it (the usual m.o. is that I don't exhibit many symptoms of bladder infections, so don't catch them very quickly). I first tried to take care of it by drinking lots of water, cranberry juice and pills, etc. but by the weekend began a treatment of antibiotics.

I didn't get better very quickly, though, and a week later had to switch to a stronger antibiotic. I have had some good days in there, but mostly it's just taking a LONG time to get over this thing. It's been discouraging as I've been barely keeping up with the house and the kids, much less things like writing on my blog! I had a good day yesterday, but am not feeling so good today, so I guess I am just going to have to take it easy and keep on top of it to avoid a relapse...

2) As well as the kidney infection, I am also experiencing horrible, horrible allergies!!!! And I don't usually even have allergies here in this drier climate! But it's rainy season, the flora and fauna are thriving and something is driving me nuts...and I'm so glad you can't see me with toilet paper stuck up both nostrils in an attempt to stem the flow...Miguel did and he laughed. Hmph, wish HE would get allergies once in a while...

3) I am so excited to be doing two different Bible studies this fall...on Wednesday mornings I go to the ladies' Bible study at our church (Spanish). This last month, the group invited a special speaker to give a workshop on the inductive Bible study method. He works with Kay Arthur's Precept Ministries International, so he provided us with a couple of books that we will be using in the weeks to come...first we're planning to go through the six lessons in Living a Life of True Worship and then begin Lord, I Want to Know You, which is a study of the names of God. I am looking forward to it!

**Side-note: During the workshop, we studied the book of Philemon and at the end, he challenged us to take Psalm 119 and study it using the inductive method...answering questions such as "What synonyms does the author use for the Word of God?" and "How does the author feel about the Word of God?" I've been doing that here at home in the last few days and it's a thought-provoking way to study the Word. For more information about Precepts Ministries, go here.**

Second Bible study will be with fellow missionary ladies (English). We will be doing another Beth Moore study, Believing God. I have the book in hand and can't wait to start! God has challenged and encouraged me tremendously through each Beth Moore study that I have done and I know this one will be no different!

4) Miguel and I continue to talk and pray through various aspects of our ministry... and it continues to be hard to do that! It's been interesting to note that while I generally tend to view conflict as strictly a negative thing, I'm learning that conflict can also bring growth and unity...if that makes any sense...it seems a bit backwards, but as we have made the effort to work through some of our differences of opinions and stuff, we've seen some progress in various areas even though at times it seems like we haven't really gotten anywhere. For which I PRAISE my God!

Future ministry options are still high on our list of things to discuss and while there may be a few changes in what Miguel's ministry looks like here in Mexico, we still do not have much leading as to beyond the next year or so. One of my favorite verses continues to come to mind whenever this weighs heavy on my mind...

Trust in the LORD

with all your heart,

and lean not

on your own understanding;

In all your ways

acknowlege Him,

and He will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6 NKJV

So while I wouldn't say that we're discouraged, per se, we continue to wonder where God is leading and when we'll know what our next step is. In the meantime, we keep plugging away, doing what we can to serve where we are...

5) Jkaile is resisting all efforts at potty-training! Funny (well, not so funny, maybe) how one little kid's refusal to 'go' in the potty can cause so much tension! Definitely a power struggle there! Sigh...we'll just keep working on it! Potty-training is my least favorite stage of babyhood, I think...it does help to know that he will most likely be potty-trained by the time he goes to college...

For the Love of Jacob

I'm kinda glad that we're moving through our Beth Moore study (Patriarchs) so slowly...it's given me ample time to think about the lessons God is teaching me. Beth always packs so much into each study that I hate to be rushed, feeling as if I'm missing out on things.

I've been thinking a lot about one particular video session in the Patriarchs study; Session Six, titled For the Love of Jacob. This session was about Jacob's face-to-face encounter with God as he waited to face his brother, Esau, the next day. Beth says "when we dread facing something or someone, what we need most is to honestly face God."

Beth points out that included in Jacob's face-to-face encounter were:

1. An honest appraisal-we are who we really are when we are alone!
2. An honest fight-God taught Jacob how to face up and fight honestly...remember Jacob's tendency toward deceit and manipulation? God's goal in inviting or allowing us to fight/wrestle Him is to make us overcomers. "Even when God appears to be against us, He is for us."
3. An honest blessing-Jacob had deceived his earthly father to receive his earthly blessing; now he received an honest blessing from his heavenly father.
4. An honest name-the name "Jacob" meant 'deceiver' and 'cheater', but God replaced that name with "Israel". "When we struggle through the crisis with God all the way to the blessing, we are gloriously redefined." Rev. 2:17 "...To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it."

There were so many things in this video that jumped out at me and of course, Beth puts them all together so much better than I do...

• How much do I resist being alone? And how do I feel when I'm alone?
• Psalm 3:3 "But you are a shield around me, Oh Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head." When I am before my Lord, hanging my head in shame, he lifts up my head!
• Beth mentioned several strongholds that she struggles with: fear, shame, insecurity...I relate to that...
• What kind of a fighter am I? Did I grow up with "dirty" fighting in my family? Is it a pattern that needs to be broken?
• Having a stronghold of insecurity says "I've got to win this!" So it's "hurt-them-as-bad-as-we-can-as-soon-as-we-can" in order to win. That's fighting dirty.
• The true definition of a "win" is that at the end of the fight I am not all muddy from fighting dirty down on the ground.
• God wants to bless me. Sometimes He has to hurt me in order to get me to let Him bless me.
• "Sometimes in the dark of our night seasons, we don't know with whom we're struggling until the light begins to dawn."

I think I related so much to this teaching because on that particular day that we watched this video, I had had a time of wrestling with God. First alone, in the wee hours of the morning and then again as I talked through my struggle with a friend. I almost didn't even go to the study, but God be praised, I did.

An honest apraisal is that I am struggling with fear, an inability to trust God to take care of me no matter what decisions are made for my future. As Miguel and I sit down to discuss ministry plans and options, I can sometimes hardly even talk or pray about it, paralyzed with the fear of the unknown future. And that fear is not from God...God has not given me the spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind. II Tim. 1:7 Yes, maybe my fear is understandable given the circumstances, but not justified...and certainly not glorifying to God.

But I think the foundations of that stronghold of fear in my life crumbled quite a bit that day as I wrestled with God...coming face-to-face with Him in the quiet of the early morning...hearing His truth spoken to me through a friend. I still struggle with it, but it's not as overwhelming as it was before. There are even times of strong, unwavering faith in God that weren't there before...but when those doubts begin creeping back, I remind myself that the truth of the matter is that whatever the future holds for me, for our family, I can be confident that God will be there, He will give me grace...His desire is that I overcome and be "gloriously redefined" as I abandon myself to Him. And He WILL take care of me every step of the way.

suffering

I think my idea of true suffering is BEING WITHOUT INTERNET ACCESS AT HOME!!!! No, seriously, that's not really true suffering, of course, but it doesn't feel very good either! :( I feel like I was really on a roll, here, staying on top of my writing and emails, Facebook, etc. and now look, I haven't written here for a couple of weeks. sigh. Oh well. It drives me crazy, though, because when I don't write, I tend to lay awake at night writing in my head, which is quite irritating seeing as how I need all the sleep I can get these days!!! So I decided to just start writing anyway and I'll post it when I can....

We tried to have a landline installed, but had some setbacks and then a runaround from the phone company (they orginally said that there WAS high-speed Internet access available and then at the last minute said, no, there is just dial-up and we don't want THAT!). I don't know what we'll do for phone and Internet, but for the moment, we're still just connecting with the wi-fi wherever we can.

Okay, well, so it's been a crazy couple of weeks! For one thing, getting moved and settled in to the new house...Miguel had one day to rest after getting back from Mexico and then we started packing, so he started off tired! Then the week after we moved, I started taking 3 classes a week offered at our church (just for the month of April). I didn't think it would be that heavy a load, but I didn't anticipate being so tired from the move and then getting sick in there! The classes have been phenomenal, though, and I'm very thankful that so far I haven't missed any. I think God has been sending me resources, books, classes, Godly people, etc. all into my life during this time to heal me, build me up, and prepare me for future ministry.

One of the classes that I'm taking is called Interrupted Expectations. It's about the adjustments (usually negative) that we experience in life and the losses that we experience as a result. Losses can be physical/material (loss of things or familiar surroundings), relational (death, divorce, separation, conflict), or even emotional (loss of identity, role at home or in our jobs). As I wrote out my "Life Loss Resumé" I discovered that there had been losses in my life that I have never really taken into account or grieved over. And not grieving losses has the potential for leaving one "stuck" emotionally, not able to grow, mature, heal, and move on.

I think one of the most impactful topics we discussed during this class so far has been that the loss of our identity is one of the major losses in life. And it's interesting, because as it turns out, that usually happens because we wrap our identity up in something that can change or be lost! (in other words, it's our own fault!) At one point in the class, the teacher had us turn to the person next to us and describe who we are WITHOUT mentioning our role at home (mother/wife) or our job (missionary). It was really HARD! I was left with "extroverted female child of God"!!! LOL But it was a very important moment for me as I realized how much I DO tend to base my identity in what I do and where I live instead of only in Christ!!!! What I do and where I live may change, but Christ is the same yesterday, today, and for eternity and is the ONLY solid foundation for who I am.

So then came the AHA! moment for me...perhaps one (THE?) reason that I have been so obsessed and anxious about our ministry decision is because my identity has been feeling "threatened" by the possibility of Miguel making a "wrong" decision?! (can you see the control issues there?!) I think I was able to take a step back and see that my identity in Christ will be the same no matter where we are ministering and no matter what we are doing. That was very freeing for me and seems to have been a major paradigm shift in my view of life. And it's funny, nothing has changed; I still don't know where God is leading us, but I have peace and can rest in the knowledge that He is working in our lives and that He will lead...it's such a wonderful feeling!

taking a break

I worked for a while and am now taking a break to think, pray, read some Scripture, and rest my back. It's been rather humbling to even HAVE a back problem, I am used to just doing what I want to do and now I have to limit myself! :( I hate that...but oh well. ¡Así es la vida!

Something that's been on my mind constantly in the last few weeks has been what our future ministry will be. For various reasons I won't go into here, we haven't been able to move forward very quickly...and Miguel is not yet sure of God's leading. Well, yes, there HAS been progress, just not at the pace that I would like to see! LOL I guess I'm impatient. I definitely do NOT do well in "limbo-land". Anyway, Miguel likes to discuss and consider and research all kinds of different options, even "wild" ideas and for some reason that is very scary to me! I think some of it has to do with a fear that he'll decide he wants to do something that I don't want to do and then maybe he'll talk me into it!!!!

Every time I start to get a bit freaked out and pray about it, though, a tremendous sense of peace comes over me as I feel God speaking to me..."Peace, rest, trust and I will give you the desires of your heart". Today I looked up "plans" on Biblegateway (an awesome website, btw) and one of the many verses that came up was:

20 Listen to advice and accept instruction,

and in the end you will be wise.

21 Many are the plans in a man's heart,

but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

Proverbs 19:20-22 (NIV)

I am so thankful for God's Word and how He speaks to us through Scripture! I know in my head that the Lord leads us, but sometimes it's hard to know that in my heart...it's very reassuring to know that whatever Miguel and I plan, it will ultimately be the Lord's purpose that prevails in our lives as we follow His leading. I can't wait to find out what it will be!