It's Not Done Yet

This post from Holley really spoke to me today.

Holley says..."I find we do the same with situations in our lives. God's stirring up something and we come swooping in with a spoon. We get a taste and panic. What is going on here? How is it going to turn out? This doesn't seem right at all!" 

I think that I've been the one taste-testing the batter that is the ministry that God is mixing up for us...on one level, I do have a deep, abiding trust that God has brought us here and that God is leading...but on another level, sometimes it just doesn't 'seem right'.

I am learning that ministry, just like cooking, is a process...that even when I'm in the place that God has designed for me, sometimes it might not 'seem right'. There will be struggles, disappointments and maybe even failures. I guess I thought that things might be easier if we were in our 'dream' ministry and I forget that Jesus said that in this world I would have trouble and there really is no need to panic when trouble comes.

Since we've been in Puebla, we've had some trouble...we've faced doubts and fears, wondering how this will all turn out and sometimes even if we're in the right place...some of our expectations haven't been met, some relationships we'd hoped to cultivate haven't developed and some doors we thought were open have been closed.  Sometimes it's been messy. 

I get impatient, wanting to see the end result now...I've wanted to take things in my own hands and fix them.  I forget that just like baking, ministry can take time to go through the process to make something beautiful and delicious and whole.  You can't really rush through a recipe that calls for chilling the dough or simmering for an hour.  I forget that it's not done yet...that I'm not done yet...that it's not even my job to make sure that everything turns out right. 

So we've moved forward by faith, trusting that God is working and knowing that we'll likely live in a bit of mystery until the end result is revealed somewhere down the line. We just take it one step at a time, trusting that God will reveal each step as we need to take it.

And that's what it's all about anyway, trust...trusting that God is adding the right ingredients at the right time in order to make something out of it that honors and glorifies Him. Even if we don't get to taste it until we see Him face to face...

Crazy Day

Yesterday was a really crazy day.  One of those days when you really wonder what's going on, you know?

Miguel originally had another trip planned to the mountains this week and was to be gone from Thursday to Sunday.  But then the pastor that was coming to give the conference sessions had to cancel his trip because his mother-in-law became very ill and the whole family had to go to California for a couple of weeks.

So then we decided to go to another Totonacan community in the mountains and were planning to leave today, Saturday. As we were making plans for that trip, Miguel's mom called from Venezuela to let him know that his pastor, Gilberto Nieves had passed away the day before.

Pastor Nieves was very influential in Miguel's life and is what would be considered a 'padrino' here,  something like a godfather.  In many ways, he was more of a father to Miguel than his own father.  Pastor Nieves was Miguel's pastor from the time he was young, baptized him and was also instrumental in how Miguel came to be a missionary.  Miguel was also very close to the family and spent a lot of time at their house as a teenager.

So when Miguel found out that Pastor Nieves had died, he really wanted to be able to go attend the funeral (an accompany his mom back here to visit us!). It's not easy to get to Miguel's home town in Venezuela from Mexico on such short notice, but Miguel found a flight leaving Mexico City around 1:30 a.m. that would get him to Caracas at 7 a.m.  He would have been arriving at his target location early afternoon, which was good since the funeral was planned for around that time.

So we hustled to get him ready and Miguel made his reservations online.  The instructions included the options of paying either at a bank or at one of the local grocery stores and Miguel had to pay within 9 hours to keep his reservation.  Neither of the bank options worked, but he was able to successfully pay the 8,000 pesos (around 800$) at the grocery store and they gave him a receipt for the payment that also indicated his reservation number.

He did a little shopping and then came back to finish packing.  I sent him off in a taxi around 8:30 p.m. to the  Estrella Roja (Red Star) bus station that would take him directly to the international airport in Mexico City, which is a really convenient bus service to have and cheap at about 18$ one way.  I heard from him a couple of times before I went to sleep and didn't expect to hear from him until he was in Venezuela.

At 1:40 a.m. I got a message from Miguel saying he'd missed his flight.  Turns out that his payment never showed up in the airline's system, so they wouldn't issue his ticket.  They told him that he had to pay 24 hours in advance, silly, because sometimes there are emergencies, people!  Then they told him that he should have paid at the ticket agency in the airport, even though the airline had only given him 9 hours to pay the ticket or lose the reservation.  Paying the ticket at the airport is risking not getting a seat if the flight suddenly fills up!

They were not helpful, in short, and at one point one of the agents at the ticket counter lied to Miguel when he asked for a manager. The man said that all of the managers had gone home by then, but Miguel later discovered that there were actually TWO managers on duty at that time.  He spoke to one of them who looked over his papers and said he'd go check something and be right back...only he never returned.  The other manager just handed Miguel a complaint form.

The only thing they would do for him was to change his reservation to the following day, but that wouldn't get Miguel there in time for the funeral, so he just decided to come back home.  He asked the airline for a refund, but they referred him to the grocery store and said he'd have to get the money back from them.  The most likely scenario will be, however, that the grocery store will just refer him back to the airline!

I had gotten to bed late and hadn't really been asleep that long when I got Miguel's message about missing his flight. Then I had a hard time going back to sleep.  Miguel arrived back home around 4 a.m. and I had to go down to let him in the door and pay the taxi, which further interrupted my sleep.  And Miguel had to get up early to take Micah and some other neighbor boys to the American football practices that Micah goes to on Saturday mornings.  So neither of us got much sleep last night.

Such a crazy day!  I was already emotional from having to tell Gloria that we're moving and seeing how sad she was...and while I was happy that Miguel could go to Venezuela for a couple of weeks, I was feeling the strain of the separation and goodbye (it's a bit disconcerting having my husband be a continent away...you never know what will happen!).  And then just like that, he was back, snuggled with me in bed and not going anywhere.

I also knew he was severely frustrated and very disappointed by the whole situation.  He told me later that it just wasn't a good idea to try to go on such short notice, but I don't agree.  It wasn't a bad decision at all!  Pastor Nieves was a huge part of his life for many years and there is nothing wrong with wanting to attend the funeral of a man like that.  People have emergencies all the time and airlines should be able to provide the services needed for emergency travel like that.  For some unknown reason(s), it didn't work out and we're trusting God that He had a purpose and a plan.

But yeah, a really crazy day!  And now we have some suitcases to unpack...

Thoughts on Believing God

Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness.

Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, "So shall your offspring be." Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead-since he was about one hundred years old-and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.

This is why "it was credited to him as righteousness." The words "it was credited to him" were written not for him alone, but also for us who believe in him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead. He was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification.

Romans 4:3, 18-25

I attend a ladies' Bible study at our local church here in Mexico and a few weeks ago, we had some planning sessions to map out goals and activities for the year 2010. One thing that we decided to do was to dedicate the first day of every month to prayer and fasting, each in our own way. Fasting isn't a discipline that I have regularly pursued, so I thought that this would interesting to see how this would work out for me as I participate with the other ladies in this way.

Wouldn't you know that I completely forgot about it yesterday?

Yeah.

But instead of waiting for next month to roll around and try again (besides, they might ask for reports at Bible study tomorrow, ack!), I decided to just work it into my day today (Yes, I know you aren't really supposed to let everyone know when you are fasting, but this all works into my thoughts on believing God...besides, I'm not going around all pitiful and hungry, looking for admiration or sympathy. Trust me, I am NOT holier than thou...).

Since this is designed to be an exercise for prayer and meaningful time spent with God, I wanted to choose some verses to meditate on for today. I was leafing through my Bible wondering what passage(s) to read when my Bible fell open to Romans 4. I have it marked because I'm supposed to read this chapter 20 times during Beth Moore's Believing God study that I doing this year (with my English Bible study group and yes, it gets confusing sometimes).

I think God led me to this chapter because He knows that this is what I need to think about today...specifically about what it looks like for me to believe God and live out my faith like Abraham did. Even though I have so much more revelation than Abraham did (the entire Word of God at my fingertips!), sometimes I think that Abraham had a distinct advantage because God talked to him out loud and in a very specific way (although I probably do Abraham a grave injustice because he lived a godly life without the benefit of any kind of written revelation from God!). Abraham knew that the promise was for him to have a child, a son. No question about that, it just didn't happen when and how he thought it would.

At times, I wish God would speak to me like that...but it seems like God's promises for me are kind of, well, harder to figure out sometimes. I mean, it's not like God says "I promise that you will get the money you need to pay for your visas" or "Yes, I promise you will have the funding you need for your ministry" or "You will be able to go inhabit the land of Venezuela." (Although I have to admit that God did speak to me very clearly that Miguel was the man I was to marry, but that's another story...)

I have questions sometimes...is this or that verse really for me? Am I taking things out of context? Am I hearing God right? Is this just wishful thinking or really something God has for me? What happens if I believe God for something and it doesn't happen the way I believed so strongly for? We hear a lot about people getting "a word from God"...nothing against that because I know that God does speak to people, but how do I really know that was God speaking to me and not just my imagination or wishful thinking?

I have heard some people say that just because we believe, for example, that a certain person will be healed and we pray that way, that it's already done...the miracle happens just because we pray with belief. But what about the times when people do pray for healing and they aren't healed? Case in point, II Corinthians 12:1-10. God can and does heal, but I don't think that I can presume that He will in every case.

I think that one of the keys might be in verse 21..."Abraham was fully persuaded that God had the power to do what he had promised." I wonder if 'praying with belief' isn't so much the belief that God will do it, but that He can. Praying with belief, then, would be praying with the full persuasion that God can do anything He wants to; that God has the power to do what I ask. Taking into account, of course, that God's plan might be different than mine and I submit myself to His ways. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

So I was thinking this morning, what are some of the specific promises God has given to me, personally?

Philippians 4:6-7 came to mind..."Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

God's promise is peace when I present my prayers and petitions to God with thanksgiving.

There are more promises, I know, lots more...Matthew 6:25-34 is another favorite of mine. I think it would be good to ask God to lead me to them, and ask Him how He plans to use them in my life. Side-note...I've noticed that when one grows up in a Bible-rich environment like I have, the Word can become so common as to lose its meaning sometimes. I know a lot of verses and passages, but I think it would be a good idea to ask God to make them fresh and new and relevant all over again.

One thing this Believing God study has done is to challenge some of my wrong beliefs about God. Wrong beliefs about God make it hard to believe Him and take His promises to heart, so it is good to see these things coming to the surface so I can address them. For one thing, I'm realizing that I continue to struggle to feel deserving of God's blessings and His grace (darn, thought I had taken care of that!).

I tend to view God's grace as conditional on whether I am behaving in ways deserving of that grace...and while it's true that God does sometimes take us through hard times to teach us valuable lessons, God is not petty or vindictive or skimpy on the grace. I need to focus on the fact that God's grace is something I don't deserve and cannot earn. It abounds and is even more abundant in the face of my weakness.

I saw this quote posted on a friend's Facebook status today..."God is too wise to be mistaken. God is too good to be unkind. So when you don't understand, when you can't see His plan, when you can't trace His hand, trust His heart."

I like that, to know that I can trust His heart.

Living in Mystery

mys·tery

1 a religious truth that one can know only by revelation and cannot fully understand 2 something not understood or beyond understanding: enigma 3 profound, inexplicable, or secretive quality or character

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I do not want you to be ignorant of this mystery, brothers... Romans 11:25

And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ... Ephesians 1:9

...the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the saints. Colossians 1:26

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A book* I recently finished pointed out that the apostle Paul uses the word mystery about 21 times to refer to the hidden purposes of God...that is, that God doesn't always explain the 'whys' to some of life's problems. And that is a mystery to us!

Sometimes God clears up the mystery quickly, in a matter of hours or days...but then other times, mystery can last for years as we wonder what purposes God has for certain situations and/or problems in our lives.

"When walking in a fog the normal clues that orient us are gone. We look for some sign to show us the way, but none appear. Heaven seems silent. We search for meaning in life, but the fog hides it. We plead, "God, why don't you do something?" Our feelings tell us that God must be somewhere else or he doesn't care. The mind, grounded in the Scripture, fires back, "Not true." God has promised to never, not ever, leave us. And so the feelings and the mind thrash about, each submitting evidence for its position.

Sooner or later, often later, the fog slowly lifts. Things begin to make sense. Understanding replaces confusion. Confidence replaces doubt. Belonging replaces a sense of abandonment. Hope returns. God was there all along, working actively, not only on your behalf but in ways that enrich the many other servants he loves. The fog obscures his presence and his purposes, but when it finally clears, we realize that God has kept all his promises to us (see Josh. 21:45). And on those occasions when his people go to the grave with pieces of their past still shrouded in fog, he remains the loving, faithful God worthy of their trust even though the fog never lifted. While not desired, walking in mystery shouldn't be feared; God, though not visible or audible, walks by our side, and the walk is always worthwhile for the patient, faithful servant."

Duane Elmer in Cross-Cultural Servanthood-Serving the World in Christlike Humility, pg 185

It was so encouraging to me to read these words as I considered the mystery that Miguel and I are living with now in regards to our ministry. All we've ever wanted to do was work in tribal ministry in Venezuela...and yet eight months after we arrived in Venezuela back in 2005, the government there basically shut down tribal missions as we knew it and greatly limited tribal ministry opportunities for us. After an exhausting couple of years in limbo, many moves, and attempting to minister to the Yuana people from a near-by town, we returned to the U.S. for a family reunion and for the birth of our fourth child. Once stateside, I quickly realized that I was not in good shape to return to our ministry in Venezuela, or to any ministry, for that matter. I needed time to recuperate my strength, recover from the stress of our time in Venezuela and the depression that plagued me, and work on some weak areas of my life. Miguel and I also needed to work on our marriage, which had been severely strained during that time. God worked tremendously in our lives during that time and I'm ever so grateful for it.

After taking nearly a year and a half of combination medical leave/transition time, we arrived in Mexico to 'get back to work', although not in the ministry of our choice and not really knowing how long we would be here. We would love to return to work in Venezuela, when and if the political situation changes there, but so far that hasn't happened. As we begin our second year of ministry here in Mexico, we have had renewed discussions about ministry once again that haven't always gone as smoothly as we'd hoped. It's hard to live in mystery, not really knowing why we are here instead of there, how long we will be in mystery, and what the purpose is behind all that's happened in Venezuela. We grieve as we remember our Yuana brothers and sisters in Christ that we left behind, even though we knew them but a short time. We grieve the loss of what could have been an exciting, fulfilling ministry among the Yuana and it is so hard to understand why things happened the way they did. It's hard to understand why God would allow me to go through such a difficult time personally in the last few years...although at times I do catch glimpses the work God is doing as He strengthens me in His truth and love through the struggles.

I don't know when this mystery will be revealed or when the fog will lift...I long for the day when we know what our ministry will be and can finally move forward with a purpose and a plan. I think both Miguel and I long for things to make sense and for a true sense of belonging. In the meantime, however, it is reassuring to hear that walking in mystery is not something to be feared and that the walk with God at my side will be worthwhile as I remain His patient, faithful servant.

*Cross-Cultural Servanthood by Duane Elmer...I am also looking forward to reading the companion books of Cross-Cultural Conflict and Cross-Cultural Connections.

Worry

This morning I was flipping through an old Discipleship Journal and came across an article about worry. These particular statements were pretty thought-provoking for me today...

"Anxiety is most often sparked by unbelief or doubt in God's character. When we worry, we've unthinkingly questioned His wisdom (that He knows what is best), His love and goodness (that He cares for us and wants what is best), and His sovereignty (that He is able to do what is best). Worry reveals not only our distrustful thoughts about God but also an unrealistic view of ourselves: that we are responsible for other people's happiness (our spouse, children, parents, boss, friends); that we can determine better than God what we or others need."

Excerpt taken from Warding off Worry by Stacey S. Padrick Discipleship Journal Issue 118 July/Aug 2000

What Happened to the Neighborhood?

One day last week, we woke up to no Internet connection. And of course, everything I wanted to do was on the Internet! Like checking email, reading the news, finding a recipe, etc...after a couple of hours, we realized the problem was with the phone lines when we tried to make a call only to hear a horrible noise coming over the lines! So Miguel went to the office and called the phone company. Later in the afternoon, the technicians came and got to work...turned out that someone had cut the phone lines across the corner from our house! Huge chunk missing! This seems to be a common ocurrence here and the stolen lines are sold for the metal? Not sure...but anyway, it took a couple of hours and a few technicians to get our service back.

Another strange thing that happened last week was a car that mysteriously appeared outside our gate. We noticed it because it was parked in such a position as to be in the way when we parked the van outside...at first we thought it belonged to one of the guys that work next door at the carpentry shop. They don't usually leave their vehicles out on the street overnight, however, so we quickly realized that it didn't belong to them. Miguel called the police, who assured him that they would come by to check it out. A couple of days later, when the police still hadn't checked it out, one of the guys that work next door found a telephone bill in the car and was able to contact the owner of the car. He came that same day to get his car...he said that it had been stolen, along with some money that he'd had in a small case inside. Since the thieves were able to get some easy money, they probably decided just to ditch the car instead of selling it or breaking it up for parts. What bothers me is that they left it right outside our house!

Another friend mentioned that her mother's car was stolen and found in this neighborhood as well. Good reminders to keep our eyes open and the gates locked! And continue to trust God for our safety...

Gross!

Jojo is sick again. He's been sick six different times in the last two months, each time with fever and vomiting. We've all been sick more than usual this winter, so we're probably just reacting to and U.S. winter rather than being in the tropics. And maybe Jojo is affected more than the rest of us since he was only four months old when we went to Venezuela and it's all he's ever known. Anyway, we didn't really know he was getting sick until he threw up day before yesterday while he was sitting on Miguel's lap in the living room. As I'm rushing around looking for a "throw-up bowl" (they are now stashed in various places around the house since we've been using them so much), poor Miguel is having to catch the throw-up in his hands to prevent carpet distress. By the time I got over there with the bowl, things were rather a mess, to say the least. I'm constantly amazed by Miguel's ability to handle episodes of poopy and throw-up disasters without gagging. I used to have more of an "iron stomach", but ever since Jojo was born more than three years ago, I have not been able to tolerate things like that without nearly throwing up myself! Miguel is my hero every time he cleans up after the kids.

Jojo did not throw up again all that night and we had high hopes for his recovery, but alas, he had a relapse yesterday. For some reason, he'd gotten off the couch and away from his throw-up bowl. He was half-way up the stairs when he threw up and unfortunately, I was directly beneath him and some of it landed in my hair!!! To quote AFV, it was a true "Moment of Ewwwww!" when I realized what had happened!! Oh, it was so gross! Since nobody else was available to help (Micah disappears at the first sign of vomiting since he's even more squeamish than I am!), I had to stand there catching everything in the bowl until Miguel could arrive. Oh well, I needed to wash my hair anyway.

Now that we are adjusting to having four kids, it does seem as if one or the other of them are sick at any one point in time! And both Miguel and I are down with colds too, which really complicates things....if any of the kids need something, there we are arguing about who feels the worst or who's turn it is to change the poopy! LOL! Not really, Miguel has been a true servant and has done more than his fair share lately! He is so good with the kids and such a good Papi.

As Miguel and I consider our future ministry options, sometimes it seems overwhelming to think about being back on the mission field and this time with the four kids instead of three! I know it will be really hard and I'm kind of scared, but I feel God drawing me back to ministry. I sense God gently challenging me to trust. Can I trust Him to provide the strength, stamina, wisdom, patience, and everything else I need to make it? I've already found out that I can't do it in my own strength! Where else is there to go but God?! Psalm 73:25-26 NIV Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.