I Am That Woman

She was a sinful woman, a prostitute, living a life dedicated to giving pleasure to sinful men.  Ashamed, empty, desperately lonely, rejected by all except when they wanted something from her...unloved except for those few fleeting moments of physical passion as she offered herself in exchange for a living. 

Used by men, she in turn used them to serve her own needs and purposes.  It was an awful way to live and she knew it.

She'd heard about Jesus, this man who claimed to be the Son of God, the Messiah.  She'd heard about his kindness and compassion, how he mercifully healed the weak, the sick, the lame, the blind.  She knew that she was in need of healing just as much as those poor creatures, she who was beautiful on the outside, but crippled within.  She'd heard that he preached forgiveness of sins and she longed to see him, to hear his voice, to receive healing for her own damaged, sinful heart.

One day she heard that Jesus was at Simon's house and her heart dared to leap for joy.  He was so near.  She frantically searched her house for something she could give and found a jar of expensive perfume.  Fully expecting to be rejected, she went to Simon's house anyway, compelled to be in Jesus' presence. 

She didn't know if she could even come near to Jesus, but she had to try.  There were many people in Simon's house, she was not the only one who desired to be with him.  She slowly crept forward, suddenly timid and shy.  Her reputation as a prostitute, however, kept those around her from touching her, letting her edge ever nearer to Jesus.  She found herself right behind him as he reclined at the table sharing the meal Simon had provided. 

As she heard his voice, she became overcome with emotion.  She began to weep, filled with awe at his utter perfection and deep, deep sorrow over her sin.  Her tears coursed down her cheeks and began to fall on Jesus' feet.  Having no towel, she began wiping the wetness from his feet with her hair, kissing them with tender care.  She gave no thought to what those around her were thinking, she only gave herself to Jesus in the only way she knew how, through intimate contact with Him.  Her only thought was towards Jesus as the Son of God, the Messiah, the Holy One, the One who could fill her empty, shallow life with love and life and forgiveness.

She took the alabaster bottle and splashed the perfume liberally over Jesus' feet and once again lovingly wiped them with her hair.  She gave no thought to the expense of the perfume, it was as nothing compared to the priceless opportunity she had to serve Jesus in this way.

Then Jesus spoke.  His words rebuked Simon the Pharisee for not having washed His feet or treated Him with the respect He was due.  And then his words forgave her sins, out loud, in front of everyone.  Then he turned to her and repeated, "Your sins are forgiven.  Your faith has saved you; go in peace." 

She turned to go and stumbled out of Simon's house, stunned by what had just happened.  She had expected to be thrown out of Simon's house and knew that would have been what she deserved.  But not only had Jesus accepted her into his presence and accepted her offering, he had forgiven her sins as well.  There was a fullness inside in place of emptiness, love instead of hate, peace instead of pain, joy instead of sadness, healing instead of hurt...hope instead of despair.  And Jesus was right, her heart overflowed with love because she had been forgiven much. 

And today I see that I am that woman.  Not a prostitute in the literal sense of the word, but haven't I prostituted myself to sin and the desires of my flesh?   Haven't I offered my body for ungodly pleasures, trying to find fulfillment in food or fleeting happiness, worshipping myself and my desires instead of God, living to please others instead of Jesus and all the time spiraling down into a life of shame, self-contempt, depression and loneliness, desperate to hide my sin and shame, feeling unloved, rejected and alone? 

There came a point when Jesus came near and he was the only way out.  Jesus welcomed me into his presence, let me come near and he let my tears wash over his feet, even though I was anything but worthy.  He let me pour myself out, a costly perfume that he paid for with his own life and he let me fall, completely spent, at his feet because he knew that's where I needed to be. 

And then he said to me, just like the woman that was healed by merely touching His robe, that my faith has saved me, that my sins are forgiven and that I am released to go with his peace in my heart.  Therefore, since I have been justified through faith, I have peace with God through my Lord Jesus Christ, through whom I have gained access by faith into this grace in which I now stand. Romans 5:1-2 (personalized).

Is it any wonder that my heart overflows with gratitude and joy that words can hardly express?  Is it any wonder that my life has changed completely?  Is it any wonder that his love for me overflows to everyone around me?  I can do nothing less than live and love for him because I know, I know, how much I have been forgiven. 

Luke 7:36-50

When one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, he went to the Pharisee’s house and reclined at the table.  A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume.  As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.



When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is—that she is a sinner.”

Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.”

“Tell me, teacher,” he said.

“Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty.  Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?”

Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.”

“You have judged correctly,” Jesus said.

Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet.  You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet.  Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”

Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”

The other guests began to say among themselves, “Who is this who even forgives sins?”

Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”

What Happened to Spring?!

It turned cold again today, so I'm comforting myself with these pictures from a warmer day last week when we took a walk...I loved these pictures of the Jkaile, Jojo and Gracia...I don't know where Micah was, probably off playing somewhere else...



To change or not to change...

Okay, I'm experimenting with changes to the look again...I would mess with it some more, but I need to go attend to the kiddos...I think I'll leave this one up for a while and see what I think...

Spring

A few pictures of spring from around campus...

forsythia in all its glory...

fresh growth on the rosebushes...

buds on the trees...

miniature blooms underfoot...

graceful green next to blossoms white...

breathtaking beauty...

pretty girls and tulip trees...

if God gave us such beauty on earth, imagine what the 

new heaven and new earth will be like! 

  LORD, our Lord,
      how majestic is your name 
             in all the earth!

          You have set your glory
              in the heavens.Ps 8:1

Earrings for Gracia

Most girls in Latin America get their ears pierced as infants.  That is, in fact, many times how one is able to determine the gender of a baby, by whether said baby has pierced ears or not.  When Gracia was born here in the U.S. I don't think we made a conscious decision not to get her ears pierced, but we just didn't.  Later, I wished that I had, but then I realized that getting her ears pierced would be a special event when she was a little older.

Gracia and I have talked off and on about it, but she never had much interest until this last Monday when she came to me in her sweet, shy way and whispered in my ear that she really did want to get her ears pierced now.

So off we went to Claire's within the hour before she changed her mind! Micah and Jojo heard we were headed to the mall and wanted to go with us, but we really shouldn't have taken them along because they were so not impressed with all those girly things in the mall and pestered us with groans and wails and when-are-we-leaving noises.  Well, I guess they did provide some important moral support at the actual moment of the ear piercing, so that was something.  And they were very enthralled with these little makeup cases that you push a button and it slowly unfolds to reveal the inner workings, but basically they made fun of everything there.  I'm glad they are normal, healthy boys. 

But anyway, we had to wait a while because there was another lady there getting her 2 month old? baby's ear pierced and when I heard that baby cry over her pierced ears, I was kind of glad I didn't get Gracia's ears pierced at that age...I think it would have broken my heart to hear her cry like that knowing I'd inflicted that pain on her! 

Gracia was very brave, however, even though she was a little concerned after hearing that baby squall!  They couldn't do both ears at once since there was only one employee there and I was a little worried she wouldn't want to go through with the second one, but Gracia did good!  One tear escaped her eye and then she was okay.  And the boys cheered her on.

So that's how Gracia got her ears pierced and it has gone down in the Aguirre family history books as the day Gracia got earrings. She's already eyeing my earring collection and claiming some for her own. 

I'm so proud of my girl!

Abandoning Yourself to Holiness

During the quieter moments of this roller coaster ride, I've been pondering the following thoughts from Larry Crabb's The PAPA Prayer... 

What does it mean to abandon yourself to holiness?  ...when we come to God...wanting to see where we're wrong in the way we relate more than we want someone else to admit how they're wrong in the way they relate to us...including God.  But it goes further.  We're abandoning ourselves to holiness when we come to God wanting not only to see where we're wrong but also to claim the privilege of letting others experience how God relates to them by the way we relate to them....(in the Bible) we're being told to abandon ourselves to holiness, to share in the way God relates, with radical other-centeredness, with terrible sacrifice, with humble love...

But we'll never even come close to God's example of love until we clearly understand that sin is relational...relational sin is anything we do for the primary purpose of getting something for ourselves...that means that the primary thought behind everything we do is to trust Him with our deepest needs and longings, to bring Him pleasure by putting all our eggs in His basket, to fix our hope for everything we hold dear on who He is and what He is doing and what He will yet do...

...when you abandon yourself to holiness, you think more of how you fall short of God's holy way of relating than of how others fail you or how badly you you feel or how difficult your life may be...but your focus on your own failure does not make you hate yourself, not when you're relating to your Papa...it makes you hate your sin, not yourself...and this focus doesn't leave you discouraged and feeling heavy.  Broken, yes.  Despairing, no.  You know that purging lights up the path of holiness, the road paved by grace that leads into God's presence, into Papa's lap...

Roller Coaster Ride

I fell out of our van the other day, literally.  Miguel had had the van in the shop for a couple of days and then I needed to drive it somewhere...I stopped, opened the door and then I just stepped out into thin air!  I felt pretty stupid...I even turned and looked at the van wondering why in the world I had expected a step to be where there obviously was not one?!  I just chalked it up to having gotten used to driving the Explorer and went about my day.

A few hours later, we were at home and Miguel says, "Oh, I forgot to tell you...I took the running boards off the van when it was in the shop." It took me a couple of minutes to process that comment and then I was like, "It was YOU!!!!!" It made me feel a little better to notice that Miguel himself fell out of the van the next day, lol. Revenge is sweet...

You can see the running boards in this picture that now

aren't there...apparently, I have always used

that lower step to get out of the van...

So yeah, having lots of fun these days getting ready for our next missionary adventure!  We are happy to say that we have decided on a mission agency and are applying to a mission agency called Pioneers.  Of all of the agencies that we considered and explored, we feel that it is the best fit for our new ministry in Puebla.  Pioneers has already agreed to take on our mission project, which was yet another open door for us.  We were able to turn in all of our application paperwork on time to register to attend an orientation with Pioneers on April 3-8.  They will review our application, meet with us and then we should know by the end of that week whether our membership application will be approved or not.  At this point, there have not been any red flags regarding our application, but it is always good not to assume things...we have our tickets bought and places for our kids to stay, so that's all taken care of.

Once we had that orientation scheduled, we did a big planning session to pin down some dates and figure out our next steps and discovered out that what we had kind of thought was 'out there' in the future was now upon us!  For one thing, we found out that we will need to move out of our house here at the Village before we go to the Pioneers orientation the first week of April...that sort of changed a few things, but it is all working out for the best.  We have a good place to stay after we move out of the Village, so that's a blessing. 

It took me about half an hour to process that paradigm shift and then I was off and running with the new plan...we have shelved homeschooling for the time being and are focusing on ministry priorities for now, such as email lists and supporter communication and the packing/sorting/storing of the ever-present stuff.  I wish we didn't have to have all that stuff, but we do and it has to be sorted, sigh.  We are basically planning only to take what will fit in whatever vehicle we drive to Mexico in (which may or may not be our van), so that really limits what we can take...we may also be able to either ship or have someone else take some things. 

So lots to do and lots to think about!  My head has been spinning for a couple of weeks, but in a good way...we're so excited about this new ministry.  Today we met with yet another potential supporter who have committed to being monthly financial partners as well as prayer supporters and we have just been so blessed to have people like that on our team.  Times like that, Miguel and I just pause and gift thanks to God for His blessings.

I kinda feel like I'm on a roller coaster, hair blowing back in the wind, heart pounding, enjoying the ride! 

Missions Conference

We just got back yesterday from attending a missions conference at my Mom's sending church over in Tulsa. I'd forgotten that my family has such celebrity status over there in that church, we were treated like royalty! We were only going to attend, but they included us as featured missionaries which was rather unexpected. It was good to reconnect with people that know my family and hear from the various other missionaries that attended, including my Mom.  Todd Ahrend from The Traveling Team was the main speaker on Sunday for both services, what an incredible speaker! 


The kids weren't too sure about the conference at first, but they were hooked the first night when some folks from the Voice of the Martyrs spoke and then the kids had the opportunity to try to smuggle Bibles through an elaborate darkened tunnel. The church even provided an EMT to stand by in case any of the kids got too stressed out because apparently it was quite intense! My kids loved it though and then couldn't wait to go back...they weren't disappointed with the other events like learning about other cultures, trying some exotic foods and worshipping God under an Angolan hut.

Miguel and I were asked to teach the 1st and 2nd grade Sunday school class...they weren't sure if they could get a missionary to speak in their class, so they were thrilled to have us there. We requisitioned some of Mom's tribal stuff and Miguel put some pictures together, so we had a decent presentation and wowed them with monkey teeth and Yanomamo arrows (10 feet long) and the blowgun and darts (Miguel shot a picture of a tapir we projected onto the wall). I did the talking and we pretended like Miguel didn't speak English so they had the chance to experience a language barrier. I think it went well and we heard from several parents later how much it had impressed their children.

I had a bit of a cold when we went, but all that talking I did brought about the usual laryngitis I get when I talk too much. I mean, I usually DO talk to much anyway, but I always get laryngitis when I go on translation trips or have to talk constantly like at a conference, etc. Speaking to the kids for 45 minutes on Sunday morning was the final straw and I could barely speak the rest of the day and I had a lot more talking to do!

We stayed with a wonderful couple while we were there, an older couple who spent a few years on the mission field after their retirement.  They loved our kids and have a gift for hospitality.  They have a full basement that we stayed in and we were very comfortable there at their house, which made our time there so much easier.  They even introduced us to their neighbor who is a pastor from Venezuela!  Small world...

Overshadowing this event, however, was the fact that Papa John (my stepdad) had to be admitted to the hospital overnight because he had been having all the symptoms of a heart attack and therefore missed part of the conference.  It turned out not to be a heart attack, although it might be some sort of blockage, but it was a bit alarming and we were faced with Mom and John's mortality once again.  Not something that's all that fun to face, but necessary at their age (Mom turned 65 on Friday).  Papa John has an appointment with his regular doctor today, so we're waiting to see what results that might have. 

So a rather eventful week for us and we're enjoying a day of rest today...I was planning to do school, but that's kind of hard to do without a voice!   The kids aren't too disappointed, though...

Turning Point

Looking back over the last few months, I feel a deep sense of gratefulness at how God works to carry me through hard times...God is good.  We've done a lot of grieving in our time of ministry, come to think of it!  When we went to Venezuela way back when, we were entirely committed to living and working there with NTM for the rest of our lives and well, things didn't work out that way.  We took a huge hit when, barely two years later, we were facing the decision of leaving to go work somewhere else.  We arrived in Mexico hopeful that perhaps God was leading us to stay there, although Miguel still sensed a strong desire to return to his home country, understandable certainly, but was it God's calling or just a human desire?  We weren't certain...and then sure enough, two years into our time in Mexico, there we were, packing up another household of stuff and stepping out in blind faith. 

At the time, I was rather terrified of stepping out like that because it meant facing a future that I wasn't at all sure that I was willing to face, but if I hadn't been able to let go of our ministry in Mexico with NTM, God wouldn't have been able to lead us to the ministry that He has had waiting for us.  It is interesting how God writes our stories, brings opportunities to our door and then allows them to step away for a time if we are not ready to open that door.  He is faithful to work and then bring these opportunities back another time when we're more ready to answer the call.

We have known for years that our sending church has been greatly involved in a church planting partnership with a local church in Puebla, Mexico for several years now...Miguel has, in fact, gone on three different short-term mission trips as a translator to this ministry site, but we hadn't had much thought about it other than acknowledging that it existed.  Three years ago, Miguel brought up the idea of going to live and work there, but since it implied leaving NTM and I was not ready to face that choice yet, we declined that opportunity, stayed with NTM and went to Chihuahua instead. 

When we left Mexico last August, we went through a strong grieving process because not only did we grieve leaving Mexico, which we have come to love, we grieved the loss of friends both in and out of the mission community.  We had many good friends within NTM and had connected so strongly to the community of believers in our local church that it was like leaving family, a truly painful process that was difficult to recover from.  But it was a necessary step as God directed our path and moved us towards His plan.

2010 was an interesting year for us because it marks a turning point, a time of real growth and change in Miguel and I, both personally and in our ministry.  In many ways, I think we finally 'grew up', if you will, emotionally as we began dealing with some deep hurts of our past and in our marriage.  And this healing seemed to open the door to some true growth in our ministry and we found ourselves disatisfied with the 'status quo' of the mission world we found ourselves in and yet not really sure we were able to make a decision that would mean some radical change.  God used those experiences to sharpen our vision for ministry, define how we desire to work and to help us know what to look for in our next ministry. 

And then something pretty amazing happened and God showed us very clearly that our time with NTM had come to its end.  It was a painful process, weaning always has its moments of distress as we break some of the strings of dependency that might have formed with such a partnership.  A friend describes the relationship between a mission agency and its members as a 'marriage' and he noted that when that relationship breaks down, it can be compared to a 'divorce'.  Such a 'divorce' between an agency and a member can produce some pretty strong emotions and feelings of loss and grief and abandonment, true, but sometimes is necessary as the member seeks to follow God's plan for their lives.  We learned that our identity needs to be solidly placed in Christ and not in a membership in a mission agency or church or in anything other than Christ, really.  And we have certainly learned that God is sufficient for us at all times and in every circumstance.  All in all, I think we're handling things pretty well, even though we have had some ugly moments in the middle of it...we are very thankful for having had this place of rest and retreat and are thankful that God knows what we need even when we don't have a clue. 

As we contemplated our resignation from NTM, however, we weren't really sure where God was leading even though Miguel still had a strong desire to return either to Venezuela or the Amazon region.  So we explored some of those ideas and continued to pray and ask for wisdom.  And then our home church brought back the Puebla ministry to our attention again and I remembered something...I remembered that back in July when Miguel had last gone to Puebla, he came back energized and excited and interested and I had wondered at that point whether God was leading in that direction.  I remembered having privately surrendered to God in that moment...having said to God "I'll go!" if he asked us to go.  And isn't that where God wants us anyway?  Willing and surrendered? 

Miguel wasn't visibly responding as quickly as I was, though, so I stayed quiet, watching and waiting and praying and resting in God's will.  Besides, I wasn't at all sure that God was leading us to Puebla, it could have just been me and I didn't want to influence Miguel's decision, I wanted God to confirm this in a big way for both of us.  And I'm learning that my husband doesn't make decisions as quickly as I do, he likes to take time to think these important things through rather thoroughly before committing, but soon enough, there we were, entirely in agreement and with a peace about pursuing this ministry.  I was a little surprised because I knew that Miguel is still so attracted to hot and humid tropical places with rivers and fish and outboard motors, and yet he, too, is willing and surrendered to God's will. 

So here we are, preparing to return to Mexico sometime in the next few months, so excited we can hardly stand it!  In fact, if it weren't for some boring details such as joining another mission agency (NTM doesn't work in this area) and raising more prayer and financial support, we'd be leaving, like, tomorrow!  We feel so blessed at how God has been so faithful to work in us and through us and we can't wait to serve Him back.  We find in interesting how God has brought us full circle back to Mexico, a country we both love.  Our new place of ministry is not very tropical, being in the mountains of Puebla with a cool, temperate climate and really no navigable rivers to speak of...but it IS green and humid! 

So here's the scoop...there is a church in the city of Puebla called El Camino Bible Church that wants to plant churches.  They are ambitious, they desire to have a church planting ministry in every state of Mexico!  Anyway, a few years ago, they were able to send a missionary couple from their church up to the mountains of the state of Puebla (about four hours northeast of the city of Puebla) to live and work in a small, remote community with the intention of starting a church planting movement among the Totonac people group. 

Our sending church has come alongside El Camino to help and facilitate in any way that El Camino feels they need help and it's been neat to see our sending church take a helping role and not a leading role in this partnership.  Our sending church sends teams down to Puebla three times a year to help with community outreaches, medical outreaches, children's ministries and construction projects.

Totonac man in traditional dress

The Totonacs are an ancient people group who co-existed alongside the Mayans and the Aztecs.  They have their own language that is not related to other language groups in the area.  They were actually enemies of the Aztecs and joined Hernan Cortés in the Spanish conquest of the Aztecs back in the 1500s.  The Totonacs were incorporated into the Spanish regime, but since they traditionally lived in remote mountainous regions, they have maintained a lot of their traditional customs and culture.  There are roughly 200,000 or more Totonac people in this region with several dialects.  Along with many other indigenous groups in the Americas, they have adopted folk-Catholic religious beliefs while retaining animistic beliefs alongside.  There are very few evangelical churches or believers among the Totonac.

Totonac women in traditional dress



Franco and Barbara, missionaries to the Totonac, have had a successful ministry and now have several believers who are even beginning to teach their own people.  They do work in Spanish with bilingual men, who teach their own people using a New Testament that was translated by Wycliffe years ago.  There is a church building in the town where Franco and Barbara live, but they are seeing that churches could be planted in other towns and that the believers need more discipling.  Franco and Barbara are also getting up in years and are thinking about retiring in a couple of years and they are naturally concerned about continuing the work. 

And that's where we come in...this is exactly what we've been trained for, cross-cultural tribal church planting!  And Miguel's gifts lie in teaching and discipling, as well as in community development.  We are also good language learners and I suspect that we'll be moving beyond working in Spanish to learning and working in the Totonac language eventually.  Miguel has already seen and experienced the work first hand and is well-liked and respected there, not just by Franco and Barbara, but also by the tribal people and El Camino.  Our sending church and we, too, think it's a good 'fit' for us and we're pretty excited about getting there and getting to work! 

L-R: Miguel, Hiram (pastor of El Camino),

Franco (missionary to Totonac in Puebla)

and Jordan (Missions admin. assistant

from our sending church here in AR)

There is so much more I could write about this ministry and the Totonac, but this is getting long, so I'll save it for upcoming posts.  I will write some of our objectives for the next few months, though, things we need to do and accomplish...

1. Join a mission agency...we have it narrowed down to two and are applying to both, waiting for God's direction there...
2. Raise needed prayer and financial support...we already have a pretty good base of support in both areas, but are just working to expand it...
3. Obtain a vehicle, preferably some sort of SUV that can handle mountain roads, but isn't so new or nice as to call a lot of attention to it.
4. We're praying about possibly fitting in a visit to Venezuela this year, but not sure that's going to happen...
5. Spend time in Puebla getting to know El Camino and allowing them to get to know their new missionaries.
6. Find a place to live in the mountains...we will most likely be living in a small town close to Franco and Barbara.

Small town in the mountains

There are still some unknowns and a lot of questions to answer, but we'll get there and God will provide.  The important thing is that we're on the move and have a goal that we're working towards...in a sense it is a dream come true, an answer to something we've prayed about for a very long time! 

So thanks for being excited with us!  And plan on coming to visit us soon!

Sobriety

Last week at my group session one of the women arrived late (and yes, I do have her permission to share this story...normally what happens in group time is confidential).  During her time to share, she apologized for being late and admitted that even though she really needed to be drinking liquids because of some congestion, she had not brought in her Sonic cup because she was concerned that we would somehow judge her, thinking she had been late because she stopped by Sonic...even though it was old Sonic cup that she was 'recycling' and she hadn't even been to Sonic that morning.  We had a good laugh at that one and sent her out to the car to get her cup...

And even though we laughed, we weren't really laughing at her so much as at ourselves because that's what we do and that's how we are, isn't it?  I appreciate her transparency because it got me thinking about myself.  I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to figure out what other people might think of me if I do this or that...how will this come across, what will they think if I do that or say that...obsessing about the possibility of being judged and perhaps offending someone...or agonizing about decisions and becoming paralyzed and then not caring for myself in healthy ways because I choose to try to please someone else instead of giving myself permission to care for my own needs (somehow the whole 'thinking of others first' thing got all distorted).  I can remember hours of obsessing about previous conversations or situations and literally convincing myself that people might not ever want to see or talk to me again, certain that I had probably offended them with this or that comment...yeah, I agree, it's exhausting!

This is the nightmare of codependency (by no means a clinical definition, obviously, just my personal perspective).  For me, codependency often means taking on too much responsibility for others' emotions and reactions/responses and trying fix things that are not mine to fix. 

In recovery, it's a little easier to define 'sobriety' for an alcoholic or a drug addict because, well, it's pretty obvious.  But with issues like codependency, it's a little harder to define what sobriety is...for me it's more about intentionally working on and facing my issues and marking off the time since surrendering that issue to Christ.  And then looking back to see if patterns are changing and whether I can detect if I am becoming more healthy.  And then one day something happens that is like, wow, I'm changing! 

That's been my experience.  For instance, I went to Walmart just a little after lunch on Sunday  I didn't really want to be there at that particular time since I wasn't feeling too well and I knew it would be crowded, but I had to buy some things for the salad I had signed up to take to community group that night.  I remembered to pick up a few other things we needed as well and I kind of guesstimated how many items I had, deciding that I could go through the fast lane because it appeared that I had about 18 things, give or take a few.  All the lanes were really busy and it took me a while to get to the register. 

As I was putting my things on the counter, a guy behind me said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but I work with Walmart and I wanted to talk to you about how many items you have in your cart."  And I was like, seriously?!  The poor guy's wife was obviously embarrassed at his behavior and quickly assured me that he did not work with Walmart.  She tried to cover up her discomfort by explaining to me that they were just a little frustrated with their shopping experience since they had been in been in another Walmart and the electricity had gone out.  So they had come to this Walmart and were having to deal with the crowded store and slow service.  I began chatting with them about how inconvenient that was while I kept checking out...and then of course, the card reader wouldn't read my cards for the first few attempts so it took longer than usual to get out of there. 

What struck me is that my response to this situation was so different than it would have before...for one thing, I did not let this man's inappropriate comments bother me, period.  I just didn't let it in.  Then I was able to sympathize with their "plight" even though they really did choose a pretty bad time to go to Walmart if they wanted to get in and out quickly...I knew it would be busy at that hour and pretty much just expected for it to be slow going.  I absolutely did not obsess about my choice of going through the fast lane (okay, I will admit to later counting my items, there were 22...yes, over 20 but pretty close and some things were multiple items) and I definitely did not obsess about the conversation with these people.  If they want to think I'm a loser and such a criminal for going through the fast lane with 2 items too many (and I doubt they actually counted), then that is their problem and not mine.  I'm probably never going to see them again anyway, so why should I have my life ruined by the opinions of strangers?  In fact, I was rather amused at the whole situation instead of feeling embarrassed or annoyed. 

So I think that's pretty good evidence of  'sobriety' for my codependency and that's pretty cool.